What is my life worth

  Monday and the wait is still on. Today was a run to cody for my daughters doctor appointment and lunch then home. While I was there the VA called and told me that all my HIV and STI tests were negative so that was great news and with that paper in hand I can fight any lies my wife might pull about me cheating on her and getting aids etc because she has already told some people that lie. But they said my calcium level was still .2 above the normal range which tops out at 10.2 and I am 10.4 so they say no more but while I was off it for 4 weeks before this last blood draw my shoulders started hurting in the joints and my energy level was like zombie mode so I forgot to ask them since I was excited about the tests if they could see what my level was before 2024 when I got bit by the stupid brown recluse spider. Hate to think that bite is still screwing with my body. So hopefully it will be normal or lower.  Anyway I also heard from my PI and he said all the data extract was don...

  Awoke this morning to light snowing drizzle and 33 degrees.  Not my favorite so I think I will snuggle back under covers. Yep stayed in bed till 8am then drug myself out and made coffee and oatmeal hehehe played all my games and now there is 2 inches of snow outside and I think I am staying inside today hehehe. Lots of thoughts about snuggling up with a loving woman to watch tv and talk to. But those are probably fading dreams that will never come true any more. OH MY GOSH I looked outside and it is wet and about 3 inches of snow. It's above freezing and this is perfect weather for salamander migration tonight. I have gotten to stay up for this. I saw one in this same kind of weather back in 88 or 88 and the entire highway from worland to tensleep was covered every inch with billions of salamanders. That was 2am and as soon as the sun came out they were gone.  So yep I am staying up tonight. Well decided to take a shower since you just never know who you might meet in c...

  I think I am pretty much done. I know God is telling me to wait and that is exactly what I will do for I know God will never steer me wrong but in my daily devotional today was a scripture of loving and how much God loves and I know how much we are to hate satan but never must hate those satan uses so I draws a big conflict to my heart to know how much stress and mental abuse has been delt to me by my wife and then how to I still love. But it simply means I do not deny her compassion or empathy even if we never talk or see each other again should it arise that I am confronted by her then I must seek to show her love and then leave the scene. So knowing she may have me blocked on texts or calls etc I was prompted to send a quick text stating I was praying for her and her mother to get better. Which I am pretty sure will never be read but if the Holy Spirit promts it is for God's timing and not mine. Today starts a colder week of rain/snow and highs only in low 50s which is not to ...

  All I can do is try to think of anything and all I get is dashing thoughts of bits here and bits there. Then it drops back to praying for God's help. I keep praying over and over that the recording will be found and my complaint will be found and not for the purpose of justification but for the reason for divorce. I pray that with this reason I can get my half of the house money and my belongings out of the house and yard and have a new place to move them to and I will be able to get custody of my 2 puppies and then get the place in worland sold and legal battles over and use all that I get to pay down the mortgage on my new place. That I can start this summer out with no more trying to stay married to someone that does not want it and be free to return to my life of retirement. Maybe have enough to buy an updated pickup and do some traveling with my dogs and daughter. I just pray for YOUR hand GOD to hold me through this and guide my to that green field od piece were I might res...

  Just wondering what the day will bring. Marriage counselor did not know about my wife babysitting her pastor's grandson all the time and was going check on it since me wife complains all the time of being so tired to care about marriage. The private investigator is waiting to hear back from the police so things are starting to come to single point. I just pray that God will have the people in place to make what he is about to do happen fast and smooth. And I pray I end up with my puppies and a new home and all my past is sold and moved. Kind of an interesting start for the morning. Yesterday I sent that question to our marriage counselor about her pastor having her babysit his grandson and out of the blue this morning I get a text from her pastor inviting me to a taco dinner fund raiser tonight which is stupid since I dont eat after 1pm standard time and have not since 2005 so he knows I don't but I know the counselor was going to chat with him about my wife. Then about an ho...

  I believe that I'm to exhausted to continue trying. After years of someone not wanting me to care about them, and so many times of being told they definitely don't want me caring for them I am laying down my efforts and changing my prayers.  Father I am done, I don't have enough strength to live this way and I do not want to finish my entire life with zero love and relationship. God please please provide the door and the help to move out of this life and into a life of glorifying You oh Lord. You Lord have given me sparks of hope in little actions over the last 6 years but they are quickly smashed with actions of closure and denial. Lord I do not understand why satan is given this much in my life. You Lord have protected me through all of this and have loved me and cared for me without ends but I don't want my life spent with someone hating me and resenting my presence. Please God place before me the people and road to head out of the battle so that I can lay in a fie...

  After last night's little revelation I am praying that God grants me a speedy direction change and the open doors to find the truth and death threat and even find the original complaint I filed and that things will start piecing together speedily and smooth. That I can be lifted from this spot and placed in seclusion outside town miles away and the proper people in place to make it smooth and easy. My daily devotional was good this morning  "as the time when the Jews got relief from their enemies, and as the month when their sorrow was turned into joy and their mourning into a day of celebration " ~ Esther 9:22 NIV Haman, the enemy of the Jews, plotted to annihilate all of the Jews that remained in Persia. This sent worry throughout the land within all the Jews as they knew they could not overcome the decree put in place that they all be destroyed. This would be the beginning of a sequence of events between Esther and Mordecai (her cousin) that would require them both p...

  9am I guess morning would work hehehe So at what point do you change from absence makes the heart grow fonder to absence makes the heart grow colder? I am just not sure if my wife will ever want to make the changes to get me back home with her or if she really wants to get a divorce but has such a perfection complex that she doesn't want to smear her Christian Cosmetics. Her words are so faige that she nevers says anything that would indicate feelings, emotions, or love. Her actions totally show no caring or desire to want me back. Like her daughter drowned her car in perfume and they know I get pneumonia within hours of exposure yet when she offers me a ride and I hold the door open and let it breath while I role down the windows and put on my mask she simply complains "I can't smell anything" so I know she will say you should move in but tawny and I are still going to drown to house in perfume making it uninhabitable for me.  I also know she is trying her darnedes...

  Truth is Jesus everything is lies of the world. So should I not be surprised.  Today was pretty much the old day dream day.  Had kind of a hunch that my wife might be lying to me about the Temps and not talking and when she didn't send out a greeting this morning like she always does on sundays now since the marriage counselor got after her for thinking Sunday was a day of rest so she did not need to contact me. Kind of thought "wonder if she might go to church" so just in case I sent a prayer request to the marriage counselor to add her to his prayers for us since she has been sick.  The counselor doesn't seem to happy talk to me but then he never has since the first meeting when he told me my wife was under the protection of the church because she had told them she fears for her life from me which was a total lie but they are finding that out slowly. GOD is making sure of it.  The rest of the day was play games and walk. Had a nice walk tad cool but nice. Li...

  The day starts with anticipation of snow or rain but at the moment the sun shines forth and warmth the ground. I walked outside to remove some trash to the dumpster and the looming black of water laiden clouds to the west and north bring chills to my body. I may not walk today since my longing for warmth has increased since the temperatures have also. I would be happy in the sand with my sandworm hehehe The was cold and wet. Went for a very short walk and got back to RV just aa it started to rain. Then the wind came up and snow and sleet and rain hehehe it was cold and miserable so I stayed inside and worked on rv for wind leaks and circulation to help keep mold down. And so far tonight it's all been really good. Wish I would have done it 2 months ago hehehe. The whole of the day was play games and day dream of finding the perfect home and enjoying my puppies. But again I must return to reality and ponder of what will happen should the death threat recording show up. I mean let...

  Today marks 6 months of separation and 6 months of living in my RV. Sure wish I had a house and could get something definitive in my life but Gid is saying wait and work in the place I have you for now. I do not know what the outcome come is and think I am being prepared for either possible one but I still feel my wife's narcissistic behavior is still going to be there and the lies and cover up is still going to be there and so my trust in her is never going to come back. Suppose to be warmer today and maybe nice for a walk. My doctor took me off my calcium supplements 4 weeks ago and I am really feeling the effects.  This weeks I have been riddled in pains and fatigue and aches.  I am so ready to get my lab test and get back on them. Having finished my gaming for the morning hahaha I am ready for some day dreaming about getting a home and my puppies and starting to do landscaping.  The walk was nice and I found a nice aventurine stone of green shine.  So that...

  Much like Tom the flying giraffe I too wish to fly. Afloat in the sun and warm wind rushing past my ears. But today is marriage counseling day and starting Monday my wife was saying she might not follow since she has her mother to take care of and she can't even start the car with her there. Yet for everything and anybody else she does just find. I have also noticed that the marriage counselor is very very much concerned that I don't understand how so hard a job my wife has taking care of her mother. Yet he tried last week to get her to love her mother and stop being mean by just caring for her and she did not understand. But she will lay that aside to help care for her pastor and his grandchild. Which is a action that says alot.  Today I pray that God will help me. That He will give me the recording and re-open my complaint and that the disappearance of Kevin Hall will start. Give me the words to say and the feet to follow what You Lord will lay out for me. Amen It's 9:3...

  So I think I  am starting to like telling fairytale stories to my wife at least it makes her want to talk about something hehehe. 2 more days and I will have been homeless for 6 months. I am so ready for a new home and life. I decided today that the private investigator I sent messages to may not have gotten the messages so I sent a new contact message out again and managed to hear back from one of them his question was what would be the most valuable thing I want so I told him I want the death threat complaint and recording would be the most valuable at this time. This will be interesting. I did pay him 275.00 for 3 hours of work and research fees so he said tomorrow he should have a 3 hour report ready and will let me know what he has found and where we should go. Did not receive any texts about marriage counseling today so will probably get them tomorrow although my wife has already stated she might not go. Maybe tomorrow will open new doors and God will make things work ...

  Yep today we are back to the big winter mode and I am very comfortable hiding under the blankets. Today I am pleading please pleading with God for letting me have the truth in my life that I know I have lived. Let me throw satan completely out of my life life right now and restore the true reality of my life. Of Father give me truth and let me live in the peace of this truth wherever it puts me please please oh Lord give me my life back. In the cold and rain/snow I do not want to walk nor do I really want to open the RV door hehehe my mind is a buzz of constant pleading for my truth back that satans cover would be ripped from their lips and confessing will spew forth from them that I will know that I am not lying but instead have really lived what I know I have.  I just want it so bad. 3/18/2025 Lament Lord my mind grows sad and my heart drops to low depths. My life is but drawing to departure from reality. I feel so forsaken as I know everything that has happened in my life...

  My best ending day dream. They find the death threat recording and it is reinstated. I am then contacted by an attorney about this and thoughts of taking care of it so I mention a place to live and they find a nice house with metal shop and 3 car garage that is all off grid sitting west of Burlington which has been bankrupted and courted out so it is sitting cause no one wants a off grid home. I talk them in to donating to a homeless veteran with a disabled daughter so they could make more off the write off then the purchase. Which they agree and so I have a nice house on 160 acres plus with no fees for anything. And a moving company just happens to have time to move everything from wifes house and storage to new house that day and I get my puppies cause one of the workers asks about them said his kids would love them and they give them to him so long as I do not know and get them to which he agrees but knows they are going to my new place. The attorney says since there is attemp...

  The sabbath, a day of rest and worship. I just keep thinking about how the marriage counselor seems to think my wife is doing so well and takes our marriage at her words when she has done nothing to remove the hate and anger she has imposed on her family members towards me and I doubt if she ever will. The counselor has mentioned several times that I will have to meet with them and apologize for what I said yet my wife is the only one that has talked to them for I have said nothing.  She continues to hide and lie about her day. Yesterday I had to drive by her house and I believe her sisters car was there for over an hour but in the call last night I asked if she had to talk alot as a prompt to saying her sister came to visit. And she just said no her mother doesn't like to talk much. So then I asked about her other sister calling the day before and she couldn't remember but then she said oh yes she talked a lot about her grandkids needing babysitting and she couldn't do i...

  Sometimes I feel like I am all dressed up and no place to go. It's cold out and probably won't be going much but I am anticipating things might happen today if God deems them necessary so I  anticipate the move and know it's up to God. The was cold and sunny then about half way through my walk it warmed up and got cloudy. So it's not bad but cloudy right now. I mean it's still only 45 but not bad. The nose doesn't run or anything.  They had the food bank running today and so we grabbed a box and split it up and got some free food. Then for lunch we ran to greybull to get propane but it was closed so we ate at brandies candies a sub shop which is always good. Maybe Monday when propane is open can eat at a and w hehehe.   Still no word on PI so maybe God is not ready for that yet. I do pray that God will help me and smooth out my life to a REAL reality that I have lived and makes the transition to it smooth and easy. Well got a reply from the marriage counselor ...

 It was a nice blood moon last night and got some great pictures but this one was from a live telescope in Cleveland WI so it's a keeper hehehe. I sent some to my wife but it said her phone was offline and could not receive messages which makes me think she isn't talking to me since I had such low hopes for our marriage in session yesterday or something. Maybe she is mad because the counselor spent so much time telling her she needed to treat her mother better. Either way this morning I woke up and had a thought in my head that maybe I should hire a private detective to see if they could find my missing death threat and maybe find some truth about if my wife is gaslighting me or if it is just a psychological thing that she is maybe doing (I hate to say) naturally. But yes I believe that is what I  might do. Ok I found a site to hire pros with no cost to find out if they will do the job and to give an estimate on cost. I bet it will be pricey but try an decide if I  want t...

  Well wonder what going to happen today. Seems more like marriage counseling is more of going on trail to prove I am not a believer then restore my marriage but maybe God will let me see a little ways ahead to what is really coming. So far the day keeps changing but my wife is so far stating she will make counseling. The time has changed 2 times today it was a 1pm then moved to 2:30pm now its 4:30pm so we may just have you never know. The wind is blowing strong from the south and is a tad bit cool but tonight it is supposed to snow and blow from the north all weekend brrrrr. Went for a small walk of 2.26 miles to get steps in then the walk to church is 1 mile so shoild be close to normal days walking although I may slow way down when it get cold again hehehe Marriage counseling was interesting. We spent 15 minutes on our marriage relationship then 45 minutes on how my wife should be taking care of her mother instead of how she IS taking care of her. Which maybe will sink in becaus...

  What's love got to do with it. From Tina Turner hehehe.  Looks like the total cloudiness they forecasted might have extra sunshine in it but that will be nice. Sure have been having lots of fantasys about sex last few days. Guess the ole body is graving it. Pretty sure it's years off though. Anyways yes today is suppose to be close to 70 degrees so the walk today will probably be good. Not sure about lunch though. Seems my wife is definitely talking about marriage counseling and being there even after the counselor had to change the time but with that in mind now I am really wondering if it going to happen or not. Ok I am astonished. I was wondering what the term gaslighting ment since it has been tossed at me much and what I found is I am blamed for gaslighting my wife when in fact she is the one gaslighting with the help of her pastor. Gaslighting is a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality. It works much bett...

 As I  lay here in the early hours and ponder are they traps God is pointing out and I am able to see them or is it really just a coincidence that all these things just happen to line up. I find it so hard to believe that satan has so many (well 3 or 4 at least) working to prove I am not a believer and all these verses that my wife and counselor seem to be pointing to the fact I am not all says they are pushing hard for a divorce and want me gone yet they play the games of marriage counseling  is working but nobody wants to attend, nobody wants to talk and nobody wants to admit any of it.  PLEASE PLEASE GOD LET ME DISAPPEAR FROM THIS SITUATION AND MOVE TO SAFETY. LET ME SEE YOUR ARM OF STRENGHT MOVE AS IT PROTECTS ME AND CRUSHES SATAN FROM HIS DECEIT. LET ME MOVE SWIFTLY TO A PLACE OF PEACE AND REST FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE AND MAKE KNOWEN TO ME THE TRAPS AND SNARES OF THOSE TRYING TO PROVE I AM A NON BELIEVER. GOD CRUSH THEIR TRAPS AND BRING RATH IN THEIR LIVES TO FO...

  Let the show go on they screamed hehehehe I feel so strong about not knowing how I should feel it's making me crazy. But I am feeling very content on knowing that God is working and doing things in my life and making a way for me to walk. I feel pretty sure my marriage is coming to an end and that I will be disappearing soon I just wish it was today but it may be next year grrrrr but God says wait. And for all I know God may just flip the switch and I see every sign of a wife that wants me back and wants to be together as one. GOD can do anything but I feel the pressure of my timing and not Gods timing heheheh Today it is 60 plus and so vereeeery nice to walk in. Finished my walk in t-shirt and felt great although I am still feeling the lack of calcium zinc magnesium. The lamas were sleeping in the sun and so were most the horses hehehe. I almost want to grab a chair and sit outside.  I am kind of tempted to ask my wife tonight if there is anything about our marriage or rela...

I just want a life back. Today is starting to early with daylight savings time on. Not ready for the change although it make very little change in my day but still it's hard to get use to doing things at a certain time and now its an how later in the day hehehe. My wife sent a quick text this morning but never looked at my reply so I feel she was just satisfying the marriage counselor or something to stay in contact and thats all she had time for.  Today is rather nice. Not really sunny but over 50 degrees and warm.  My walk was nice and Mr squirrel was out eating while I made my 3 laps under his tree to keep the hawks away hehehe.  Lots of daydreaming but I am not taking my calcium zinc magnesium for 3 weeks to the dr and run lab test to make sure it's me taking instead of something wrong in my body but after 7 days without them my muscles hurt and I am out of energy and just plain wiped out. Hehehe The first lonnnggg day of day light savings and I am tired even though n...

  The restful joy of waiting. Be it not idle kindness but working wait. So today was kind of quite and still but a tad cool. Walked to post office and got a water bill from Hanover canal on my property in worland for irrigation rights which I told their attorney back in 1994 that I was abandoning my rights and they kept billing me illegally I  pretty sure but either way I am not paying it. I am pretty sure if I sell the property they will find some legal hole to take it all back because they are the canal system and farmers have the rights to take what ever they want.  Walked up to post office which is 1mile then went for my normal 4.5 mile walk and had a good day. Got in lots of day dreaming and then I got a text out of the blue from a friend in my wifes church. And since I have refused to talk to the marriage counselor for the last 2 weeks about my wife missing sessions and feeling that it isn't going to work. He said he wants to be an encouragement to me yet there are ...

  That extra arm always goes there. It's not real warm out but the sun makes a BIG difference so went for a walk today and even took a shower. Need to have a bandage slapped on my back but will have to wait for my daughter to wake up. I think I will be ok just resting on my couch hehehe so I sit here and type. Been having a ton of day dreams of getting my perfect house donated to me and getting my puppies and moving in 1 day and filing for divorce and getting proof that I am not crazy or lying or abusive and moving on with life but I know while I may get a house and divorce in order to save more people God will make me disappear so as to not scare the flock and make it scatter. I did get a nice daily devotional this morning and it is good to have that coming back. They got the reply option fixed so they can communicate fully. Looks like we may be warming back up and still lite freezes at night but otherwise around 50 so that will be nice. Having another year of VA not wanting to sh...

  So got a text from my wife last night saying she could not talk she was still sick. Which was Wednesday a no contact day she has said since it's a day like sunday she wants to be next to her preacher and I guess doesn't want me to contact her. But I am pretty sure it was just to let me know she really is sick so there won't be marriage counseling today. I have not heard a word for the counselor either so my guess is what she started saying to everyone is true she doesn't want marriage counseling she want marriage ending classes.  The buds were out on trees yesterday and today is snow and cold so another march kill on trees that will delay growing till July. And sure enough the marriage counselor asked if we could get together today or tomorrow even just to touch base and within seconds my wife replied she was sick and couldn't make it. So I left it at that and finally almost 2 hours later he asked if I wanted to I go ahead and meet with him at church which I know ...