Day 185 I believe I and to exhausted to continue.

 

I believe that I'm to exhausted to continue trying. After years of someone not wanting me to care about them, and so many times of being told they definitely don't want me caring for them I am laying down my efforts and changing my prayers. 

Father I am done, I don't have enough strength to live this way and I do not want to finish my entire life with zero love and relationship. God please please provide the door and the help to move out of this life and into a life of glorifying You oh Lord. You Lord have given me sparks of hope in little actions over the last 6 years but they are quickly smashed with actions of closure and denial. Lord I do not understand why satan is given this much in my life. You Lord have protected me through all of this and have loved me and cared for me without ends but I don't want my life spent with someone hating me and resenting my presence. Please God place before me the people and road to head out of the battle so that I can lay in a field of grass and feel the warmth of You God like the sun on my face. Amen

I guess I also need to point out to the marriage counselor that he was getting a little agitated last week about my wife being so tired and not able to focus. Yes she has all the strength to babysit the pastor grandson everyday on top of taking care of her mother.  But doesn't have time for her marriage and husband life is to tough. I believe this is narcissistic trait 6 when they play the victim. But I  did ask the counselor and he replied that he did not know this was happening so he is going to talk to her pastor and find out then get back to me. 

Today I have counseling with my VA counselor and will discuss the things that are signs I have found. I then will not answer anything for marriage counseling except in the group chat to reply the words I have typed at the start of today. I am praying God will bring me legal counsel and a house to buy and that the doors to a green pasture will be speedy and correct.

I seem to be thinking alot this afternoon about friends and kids. I enjoyed talking to people in cody as it turned out the lady at the candy store was very talkative and luck for me so is my daughter so it was nice to have that communicate then waiting for restaurant to open talk was started with another lady standing there waiting as well. But I have not had anyone to really talk to since 2007 so I am so bad at talking if I went on a date it would be over in 20 minutes. But was thinking about, and this is narcissistic trait 2: how many of the children hers and mine she has turned against me even in 2023 my youngest son she had yelling at me and breaking my stuff to try and fight me which never happened but I ended up throwing him out of our house within two weeks of him starting that. I had ran to Montana to get him since he lost his job and apartment and he was fine for about a month then power total hate and when I told him to leave he looks at my wife and tells her "your right you should just divorce his ass" so wow now I really dont trust him at all and he has never tried to contact me. She tried to get my daughter to hate me but my daughter blew up at her and told her to quit lying about her dad. And that is why she left with me because she was not staying with her even when they asked her to.

The sun has left the sky and dark is now everywhere. They say a chance for aurora borealis tonight so hoping they are right. Tomorrow will be interesting since our counselor was not aware of my wife babysitting for the pastor so maybe there is a chance but I do not think my wife will ever change and I kniw she won't try to remove the wall of hate she has built in so many.

Mon yatta