What is my life worth

  The big Wednesday and maybe things might turn around but I am still lost. I feel so uneasy about return with all the underlying lies and hate yet there seems to be a pushing that my wife is actually going to start trying. Guess God will help me with the steps and get to the right place He needs me. Well makes you wonder. Today was not contact day but since I told my wife she could pursue the marriage she has been contacting me in the mornings and nights with pictures and hearts and it naturally makes me respond with things happening in my day which is nice although I don't see anything outside of this happening what I have noticed is there hasn't been a time she has said she is too tired or too busy to do anything. She has had a verse to talk about and actually spent time on it. I have had once tuesday night when she said we could talk longer that she started to drop back to her mother's health and what she ate etc. But I quickly stopped it and called it a night since we ...

  It's stuck in my head that my wife got coached yesterday for the nightly phone call. The verse she picked and the way she went through it was like it was rehearsed and walked through. And she seemed to start off with exactly what she wanted to say then got thrown a bit when I asked to read through the entire chapter of psalms 91 and pointed out that Matthew referred to it in the temping of Jesus. But maybe God is putting things in her heart for change. Today was a fun day. Went to cody for daughters birthday and doctor. Had Japanese restaurant shiki and it is always good. Then got restocked on food and things and came home. Was really windy in cody like always but warm enough to be pleasant. Git home and had a nice call from the wife. It seems to go better when she looks up the information and leads the conversations since I told her sat she has not mentioned being to tired or busy to do anything so maybe she will start to think of doing something to maintain our relationship ins...

  It's a raining Monday and had been pouring since about 3am. So will not be walking or running today but I sure hope it stays wet enough to bring out the salamanders tonight. Go make some great video and actually let people see I am not a liar hehehe. My VA group got canceled this morning so niw I have a VA doctor video call this afternoon.  My wife called this morning and asked if my daughter and I would like to come over and spend time since my wifes daughter is not home. I told her I would not be comfortable going someplace I am not wanted and sneaking around behind people's backs just to spend time with her. I also mentioned the perfume but she again says she can't smell it just like her car I can't ride in without a mask from the perfume. Told her since her daughter and bother both do not want me around her and her house then I will not be over there until I am openly welcomed over there. I did tell her I appreciate the offer and maybe if we want to spend time tog...

  Working to hard and never getting done. I used to have this problem then about 28 years ago the Holy Spirit said do the tidy up things and God will let you know when the next project should start. When I started this attitude I would get a feeling that now was the time to do a project and it went extremely fast and easy. So I would look at my list and rest for the next prompting. God has never let me down and it has always been good. On those occasions when I jump the gun because I feel it needs to get done I struggle for weeks until I step back and wait. But now that I am homeless and I feel Gods hand on my chest saying wait it seems hard to say I wait a sign or this done and God says wait. So I do what little I can and wait. But I see lots of fires on the horizon and say. GOD ONLY YOU CAN PUT THOSE OUT.  So I wait. Hey is that a cow belly marriochie band hehehe Today seems like a slow easy day pretty much like the rest of the days. I am sure my wife has read my text severa...

  I know that my son did not scream and hate me in 2 days for no reason. I know my step daughter did not start dumping perfume for no reason. I know my wifes family does not want me living with her for no reason. And yet I have not had any communications with them only my wife. Now everything points to the church saying I need to fix the problem of all this hatred yet I had nothing to do with putting it there. My wife asks me to send her pictures and verses yet she is totally unwilling to share anything about her day. I do not see a change and do not see me moving back in ever. I pray that God will make the death threat know again enough to get me a divorce and enough money to buy a place to live and start over. And I pray God will put the people in place to help me move and sell my place in worland and get my puppies. Today I am thinking of changing things up a bit with my marriage. My wife claims that I moved out because I was mad that she would not go to marriage counseling. Not...

  How weird is that. To try and draw a visible picture of my fear of being and out cast and I get told I am at fault because I am blaming all the fictional people in this description for me not barging into their conversations and taking over. THEN they wonder why I don't care to share much. The daily devotional today was not going alone in your walk of life and into the prayer at the end it said help me to find someone to walk with and give me discernment of those to stay away from. So I replied with this. I love this prayer but the discernment I am having trouble with. I mean in marriage counseling the other day I was sharing my feelings on some of my fears so I tried to draw a picture with words. This is the words I used. the feeling is like being a ghost in a room. No one notices me and I am not connected. There is no interactions and so the feeling means being ignored. Like standing on the side watching a social gathering with no connection to anyone.  The Fear - Is not b...

  Today will be interesting we are suppose to have marriage counseling but I think the counselor said he might have surgery so since nothing has been posted about meeting today so far I tend to think it's off.  But tonight I think I will ask the question of what my wife sees our future as and if she can't see one then I feel I should point out that she doesn't believe we have one. Interestingly the marriage counselor sent out a meeting time of 3 today but my wife has not responded or responded in the group. My bet is all her communication will be private so that I won't know anything. Pretty sure she will say she can't be there but will join us in phone call.  Had my check up with the VOA and they are at the end of financial support but our counselor wants to make sure we stay active in the system since they are providing the attorney for my daughter to fight for her ssi and they want that to stay in place till they are done. Then my daughter wants to buy a car and ...

  The day is starting off wishy washy kind of a duh feeling but thinking it will be good day. My daughter and I are going to try the Mexican food truck new to town today and see if they are back open then my walk and should take a fast 3 min shower since that is all the hot water you get here hehehe My wife said she might call this morning but I am not holding my breath because when she said it last night it seemed coached and not something she wanted to do. She will be to busy to think of anything other then herself and her pastor. Today is my final day of mental counseling since I do not score high enough to need help I have washed out of the program. But that is the Glory of God. So far today it's been shower good. Wife contact bad. She did call around 11am and ask if we would come over for lunch. We had planned last week to go to the new Mexican food truck today so when I told her no she got upset and hung up. My daughter said would not go anyway because she does not like the t...

  The new senior electric scooter. Instead of hovaround it's buzzaround hehehe.  Today was pretty good the sun was out in full strength but the temperature was around 55 so stayed warm. The walks went nice I went for a 1.5 mile walk with my daughter and then after lunch did my 6.75 miles walk and even got 1/2 mile of it jogging at 5.25 mph heheheh think I will try to build up the jogging to 2 miles if I can. It also has made my knee feel better.  For some reason was kind of distracted today from most of my regular day dreams etc not sure why but said some prayers for my daughters ssi and marriage counselors surgery and asked for a direction and help with people in place for which ever direction it goes. Seems the counselor has given up and makes smug comments about he doesn't hate me with a stupid smile on his face but then he says stuff like you can't give up and soon he will make me the head of the household again and it's just really unsettling and weird. It's li...

  AMEN  This is so true and when I pray for protection and see God's hand on me God answers prayer. I know God has guided me through times were I needed safety and I have seen the wings of those who have covered my eyes in times of uncertainty, yet in this state of homelessness I find my failing isn't in not trusting God but more of make things happen faster and God's plan doesn't seem to be going the way I want it to go. I tend to feel like Habakkuk and say "what do you mean God that You will strengthen Babylon my enemies?" But I trust in God and know in His time things will happen and for the good. I do know from being told by the Holy Spirit that if I am complaining about God's plan at least God knows I am listening and see what God is doing. The walk today was interesting since there was a big big black cloud chasing me down hehehe had to run the last quarter mile which really wasn't that bad and my knee feels better from running then walking heheh...

  Oh how I wish I was here in the forest nice and quite and peaceful away from everything and not having to fight to be in a relationship with a wife that doesn't have time or desire to be in it with me. The more I think of how negative the marriage counselor was about unless we start working to fix our marriage it is over. Kind of sends a message to me that my wife is not wanting it and when he tells me to never give up then I start in on a let's talk about what we feel and every time I have to stop my wife from flying into some blame me for every feeling she has and tell her we need to express how we feel it has nothing to do with blame. When we are done talking its like the trash can was open and every word fell right into it. There is no calling no texting no sharing anything about her self with me through out the day because she is to busy with her mother and pastor to worry or care for her marriage. Everything she says is just words and nothing supported. On with Easter. ...

  The blink of an eye and my nanobots would teleport me to a new home in new mexico were I would be in the trees and away from everyone and off grid and in peace. Somewhere like this. Would be nice in the mountains with nobody around have some nice garden spots and flowers and lawn to mow sure would be nice and all off grid with a artisan well so all the good water you need.  The day dream of a life times. Made my walk today at 6.75 miles and knee started bothering me so took some advil tonight kind of hoping for aurora borealis tonight with all the g3+ storms hitting us. And sky is clear tonight.  Phone call tonight was ok but ended strange. My wife seems to (and I enforce seems to) be getting the idea of trying to communicate our feelings and emotions to each other but somehow I get the sense to her it is someway to get dirt to make me feel bad especially since she kind of contributed but waits for me to say the idea and then agrees with it. And had not changed anything...

  Now the watch, work, and wait thing.   So today I was thinking that maybe I should try to attach fear into abandonment and see if we can talk more about what fears we have that form a feeling of abandonment. Yeah I think that would be a way or should I say the Holy Spirit thinks that would start to draw things into a talk of individual and not a point the finger at what we think caused. It's cold still around 35 degrees and snow on the ground and man I just don't feel like getting off my couch today. Just had a nice burritos smothered in chill so I am stuffed and ready for nap really hehehe it is warm enough that snow is melting and running water off the RV.  My daughter had a friend come by and take her to lunch so that will give her a happy time away from my gloomy self. I just am at a pause in steps right now. My wife seems to think we need to save our marriage but so far the only thing she has done is tell me she loves me and reply a few times. But guess we wil...

  It seemed winter is back and cold. Have not heard a peep out of marriage counseling so probably won't have that ever again. I pray to GOD to show me my steps and guide me through them and place the people in them to help. I am so lost as to what to do all I can do Lord is give it to You God. Help me give me peace and love and wisdom and words Father because only You Lord Can. AMEN TO THAT Soon many times in my life I have prayed for God's wisdom and protection and God has never failed me. But times in my marriage counseling satan can push a button like when my wife says I love you but I am too tired and too busy to do anything about you. I have other people to care for. And the marriage counselor seems to jump on the wagon and ask her if he can help her in any way and just like me she refuses him and says no. And I feel so defeated. And yes I scream at God for not making my counseling work yet then I go back to "the world hated Jesus first" and try to move on.  But ...

  My wife wants to make sure I heard her tell me she loves me and she doesn't believe in divorce. I think its the same as someone saying the sky is blue. It's words that do not mean anything. Let's say if I say the sky is blue and everyone around me just agrees and moves on then it was a meaningless statement. If I say the sky is blue and people complain that it isn't because there are clouds blocking the sky it means they have a defeated outlook because the clouds are simply blocking the sun from shining and not changing the color of the sky. It would also mean that they are looking at the visible and not the statement. In order to say the clouds block my view would be to say I will only deal with what I see and the truth behind the visible is not important.  If I say the sky is blue and someone says yes and it's a good day to do something then they have a feeling of connection with the term "the sky is blue" and it moves them to do something with that fe...

  It's my bidirectional lizard hehehe. Jesus is my one true friend of which when I feel hated he reminds me the world hated Him first. Today's daily devotional was about how we are better together but this is all I could answer. Oh how I pray this is true. For 6 years my wife and kids and grandkids have all pushed me out and will and have not ever asked me for help or advice. The only people that desired my help and advice for the last 3 years has been my neighbors and that was the only joy I had in the world. I have always had tons of joy and love from God. But now that I am separated from my wife and after 6 month's of marriage counseling she finally said last night that we need to communicate better and it will take both of us. When I asked what she ment she said "you use to send me pictures of your day and little goodnight and good morning texts but you stopped a few weeks ago". Which, yes I started doing at the start of marriage counseling six months ago at t...

  Wowbmy last two daily devotionals have been right down the line of what I needed to hear and yes I forgot to post yesterday's till today so now I have 2 on the 14th hehehe oh well today was up and down but it seemed way better then yesterday till I talked with my wife. I send her a text saying  Just checking to see if you had anything to talk about repairing marriage, relationship, or broken hearts tonight. let me know what time to call? Thanks So I am so tired of being called bad or liar etc that yes I made my script of what to say and stuck to it. Of course she said we need to communicate and be honest then she brought up the conversation we had over marriage counseling but the one she was talking about was in 2023 and I moved out in 2024 so nope not even close much less I never said I was mad at her for not wanting to go to marriage counseling I was mad because she refused to see a licensed professional counselor but instead kept saying "I will only talk with my pastor. ...

  It's the day after and I am thinking my daughter made plans yesterday to move out and take control of her life. It would be great if she finally got her ssd and could get her own place and vehicle to live. I am not sure though if I would remain stuck here. If that happens I may start thinking of selling everything and just take off in the rv for wherever I go. I feel so alone today and after being told I turn into someone that thinks the hates me by someone that is supposedly close to and showing my hate it's kind of hard to not think the world hates me. But oh well. Maybe Monday will be better. Who knows heck maybe today might even be better mostly because I hate to think of it getting worse. Or I guess my wife that started saying she does not believe in divorce could have filed for divorce and thats why she has started saying it. Daily devotional prayer "Lord, I can't thank you enough for showing me what true friendship looks like. Man is so fickle, one day they...

  It always rains on my parade they say and yet I just wish I had a parade. This is really hard right now. Especially in my failing marriage. Everyone picks at a single word in my sentence like I said daily and since it did not happen daily but often.  I was called a liar by my marriage counselor. My wife stands behind her lie that I moved out because I was mad that she would not go to marriage counseling which says she does not want to keep the marriage but for 6 months of marriage counseling she says she wants to save the marriage yet still contends this is why I am mad. She will not put any effort or thoughts into saving the marriage just sits there and says she wants to save it. I am the only one asking and fighting to save the marriage. And now out of the blues my wife says she doesn't believe in divorce so I am made to be some kind of bad person because I forced our marriage to fail since she doesn't believe in divorce now. How how can I save a marriage by myself and sti...

  Satan beat me up so badly yesterday. But here are some of the points taken from yesterday 4/10/2025. 1. My wife mentioned that her mother did not do well with new faces around and was having a problem with it. The marriage counselor asked 5 times in different ways if there was a new face in the house and she ignored him every time. 2. My wife did not have any idea what the next step to rebuilding our marriage was. I was asked and said it should be getting me permission to move back in. There was some discussion and my wife said she wasn't talking to her daughter or brother or anybody about it. When asked if she would she said she is trying. That was good enough for the counselor. 3. my wife pointed out that she does NOT believe in divorce which is total opposite of our second session when the COUNSELOR pointed out all the bible verses that give my wife permission to divorce me. 4. The counselor pointed out that he had talked to my wife and the pastor and he ONLY has my wife babys...

  Pray for me if you would. After 3 weeks of no communication with my wife, and asking the marriage counselor if he has heard anything because the last thing I heard back on march 20th was she had high fever and could not talk. I feel a major attack by satan coming. I do know just like Daniel I can walk into the fire and GOD WILL protect me completely. Today for marriage counseling the counselor just texted me and said, him and I will meet and then call my wife. So this is getting really upsetting. Pray for protection, calm, God to control all my words and actions that eyes will be opened and truth be spoken so that all the glory goes to GOD.  Amen Yeaterday I mentioned that I had ask the counselor if he had heard anything because I had not. Shortly after asking this prayer my wife called me and said  I sent you a text awhile ago saying I and my mom were feeling better so I was waiting for you to ask me to talk. All I could say is "that's unbelievable" and she asked what ...

  It could be 100 degrees outside but they marriage pond is frozen solid. My wife seems to only text or talk to everyone behind my back and I therefore am left alone, puzzled and scared. I need to lean on God and listen to Him but I am confused because way back when marriage counseling was starting and the days were still warm in October I think I prayed for a sign and that day my wife asked to hold my hand. But every since then it seems to be more distance growing and God seems to be holding my chest saying wait. My VA counselor decided to terminate my counseling since I don't score high enough on the mental scale to need counseling but I will have 1 more session in 2 weeks and then just stay in group till I decide I don't need it.  So now to move on with things. I soooo need a sign of were I am heading. So my prayer today is please please GOD hear me and give me guidance as to were my path might be I know you have whats best for me in mind and I at this point am confused do ...

  Today I feel a little resentful against my wife and counselor and kind of the world since I have placed in this isolated life and the church and  counselor and her pastor and police her family all know some of the truth and the counselor especially seems to catch on sometimes but all seem so cold, resentful, hateful back and none will even attempt to connect with me to see how I am or what my side of the story is they all fall into line behind the lies my wife spreads. I guess it is true what she kept saying all these years she is perfect and I will never be good enough for her.  So last friday I sent a text to the marriage counselor about me and my wife not talking since March 20th and she kept saying no she could not talk because of a high fever. And I asked if he had made contact with her because I have been praying she is OK and waiting for HER to contact me that she is OK and can talk once more. Today her re-posted the text in our marriage counseling group text and...