Day 214 Do you? That is the question

 

Today will be interesting we are suppose to have marriage counseling but I think the counselor said he might have surgery so since nothing has been posted about meeting today so far I tend to think it's off.  But tonight I think I will ask the question of what my wife sees our future as and if she can't see one then I feel I should point out that she doesn't believe we have one.

Interestingly the marriage counselor sent out a meeting time of 3 today but my wife has not responded or responded in the group. My bet is all her communication will be private so that I won't know anything. Pretty sure she will say she can't be there but will join us in phone call. 

Had my check up with the VOA and they are at the end of financial support but our counselor wants to make sure we stay active in the system since they are providing the attorney for my daughter to fight for her ssi and they want that to stay in place till they are done. Then my daughter wants to buy a car and move to her friends low income apartments which would be great and she would be set for a long time. I am hoping God is planning that into this wait so when she is ready thing will open in what ever direction my life will go. But I  just know I am not doing to spend the rest of my life fighting for a marriage that will never be. We are not one now nor have we been for years so the sin of dead marriage is already there. 

It's cold and sprinkling out today so I think the only walking I will get today is to marriage counseling and back other wise if it gets canceled I will just stay inside and warm. 

Grrrrr man do I feel upset now. Things the marriage counselor said today and yes my wife was not present but on phone.  He seemed surprised at what I thought of doing on the nightly calls, which I told him was the Holy Spirit not me but he washed that aside since only multiple personality people hear voices is his thinking as far as I can tell. So he went into this big talk with me and my wife about my fear that comes from the feeling abandoned and went over it like it was something my wife said then he turned it around and started in on how I was wrong for trying to have each of us talk about our own feelings and emotions and not tie it to some type of blame. Because he said it is not possible. Then after my wife hung up he tells me that woman are made to blame their feelings and their feelings are tied to blame so when my wife blames me for something that's ok because she is just telling me her feelings. Then he started in on me because I made the statement that the fear I feel from abandonment is like being alone in a crowd so he tells me that once I, me, Kevin put thought like that to an emotion it is my fault because I have now blamed everyone in the room for me being alone. He said instead I should go over to any conversation and start talking. It's like he did not even notice the fact I SAID ALONE IN A ROOM WITH OUT DOORS OR BEING NEXT TO A CROWD OF PEOPLE BUT NOT INCLUDED WITH THEM. This guy kind of really strike me as duffas and I am not that type of person that just walks up to a crowd and starts talking like they all will worship me for talking. Talk about bar hopper mentality.

Geesh I am so tired of all this I think I am going to cancel tonight call with my wife and maybe try tomorrow. 

I have had it for the day. Just exhausted of being told I am so wrong and ungodly it hurts to think God would allow this much grievance but I know God loves me and is protecting me. At this point I am confused but God will see me through amen