Day 215 I just got blamed for thinking about an emotion

 


How weird is that. To try and draw a visible picture of my fear of being and out cast and I get told I am at fault because I am blaming all the fictional people in this description for me not barging into their conversations and taking over. THEN they wonder why I don't care to share much.

The daily devotional today was not going alone in your walk of life and into the prayer at the end it said help me to find someone to walk with and give me discernment of those to stay away from. So I replied with this.

I love this prayer but the discernment I am having trouble with. I mean in marriage counseling the other day I was sharing my feelings on some of my fears so I tried to draw a picture with words. This is the words I used.


the feeling is like being a ghost in a room. No one notices me and I am not connected. There is no interactions and so the feeling means being ignored. Like standing on the side watching a social gathering with no connection to anyone.  The Fear - Is not being a part and losing the abilty to be part of the relationship and pushed out.


I was told by the counselor that since I have put thought to my fear I am at fault because I am blaming all those people around me for not including me when I should be the one barging into their conversation and talking instead of standing on the side blaming. 


I was so confused about why I am bad for drawing a picture to describe my fear and now I am doublely bad because I blame non existing people for being in my pictures. 


I am afraid I have sat for 2 days now alone because of I open up and try to share I will be shut down again and told everything I say is negative.

I pray for God's help yet all I get is God's hand on my chest saying wait and be careful the time is not here yet.

So far today the mood has been bummed out. Not really caring about much but not seeing hope in the future either. The day has been cool but around 55 so not to bad. Got my walk in and ended up at 7 plus miles with little over 1/2 mile jogging. So not bad. Walked by the new farm supply place and asked if they were selling propane yet to which they said yes so after my walk ran down and git propane and filled up the truck for next weeks runs to cody hehehe. 

Really not wanting to talk tonight but will try the plans she sees for the next 6 months or year and if she has nothing then I won't either and call it done.

Yep pretty much nothing she said in 6 months she thinks we will be trying to get back together and our relationship will be better. Which in 6 months I will be hopefully moved into a new home and single and she has been reintroduced to her death threat lover. I am not going back to a house of hate and perfume that will kill me and if she doesn't want to tell everyone she lied to make it that way then hell with them. GOD does say He will protect me and I can feel safe moving toward that end.

Anyway they are building a maze of dumpsters across the street from me and I am wondering what is going on hehehe


Night night

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