Day 202 The storm continues

 


It always rains on my parade they say and yet I just wish I had a parade.

This is really hard right now. Especially in my failing marriage. Everyone picks at a single word in my sentence like I said daily and since it did not happen daily but often.  I was called a liar by my marriage counselor. My wife stands behind her lie that I moved out because I was mad that she would not go to marriage counseling which says she does not want to keep the marriage but for 6 months of marriage counseling she says she wants to save the marriage yet still contends this is why I am mad. She will not put any effort or thoughts into saving the marriage just sits there and says she wants to save it. I am the only one asking and fighting to save the marriage. And now out of the blues my wife says she doesn't believe in divorce so I am made to be some kind of bad person because I forced our marriage to fail since she doesn't believe in divorce now. How how can I save a marriage by myself and still try to love people that call me liar and things I have never done and tell me my proof of medical records are lies compared to my wife's fabrication of truth. Grrrrr

Well the day was pretty good for the most part. It has been cloudy and windy and my walk today was really very good but just a tad cool I did the 2 mile loop around the retirement center and on the second lap I had to stop and get my jacket. But even though there were lots of rain clouds over head we never got a drop so far. It got windy so my daughter closed the roof vents so they wouldn't break but they were closed all afternoon. But we had 1 windows open.

About 7pm the whole day went to shit. My daughter got up and stomped out saying she was going to take a hot shower because she was to hot. So I opened up the rv to cool it down and when she came back it was a big fight because I had done something wrong by trying to make it cooler for her and when I  said that she said but you will freeze. I told her I  did not know she was to hot all she had to do was say something and that pissed her off more. Then she went into a thing of that is why she won't talk is because of how I was acting like trying to cool the place down was bad. But she went on to say I was accusing her of stuff and complaining because the whole world was against me which yes I do piss and moan alot about my marriage and everything that is going on and I know that upsets her so I try to leave her out of it as much as possible but since she is all I have to talk to I break down and talk. I am pretty sure she will be moving out this weekend or next week. And I am not sure what I will do. If she moves out then maybe I will search high and low for some land and put a large enough storage shed or 2 on it to move everything out there and get moved out of the house and file for divorce.  Maybe just disappearing from everyone will be the best thing I could do. 

My wife started saying she does not believe in divorce which had me totally confused because that also means that she would be totally into saving the marriage yet she keeps telling me I am lying because she heard me stand therr and tell her I was moving out because she would not go to marriage counseling. So if she won't go to marriage counseling then she did not want to save the marriage and therefore believes in divorce. But I am pretty sure if I draw that line I will be the bad person again. Which makes me wonder when the counselor asked 5 times about the new face if someone was there with her and was trying to help her with counseling and that was what they came up with. But I am going to wait and see what happens next week and I am going to stick to my plan of not saying anything but just try to point out obvious links like the not wanting to go to marriage counseling. 

Anyway I feel like shit and my whole outlook for the rest of my life seems to be going down a cliff at 300 mph. Pretty sure my best option from here on is to be homeless and alone and not in relationship with anyone because I evidently can not handle any relationship be it family, friends, or lover for more then 6 months and then it's over. So far the only relationship I can do good with is animals.

Father God I pray that I have not let you down like it seems I have failed everyone in and around my life now. I am cast out and shamed because it seems it do not fit in and cannot talk or communicate correctly or what ever I am doing wrong. I try to love and get slapped, I try to care and get slapped. Everything I try to show that I love and care and even fighting to hang on to I seem to get slapped down. Why can't I fit in Father GOD why why why please help me to underatand God. Help me to know YOU still love me Father. Show me YOUR love God and let me know I have not failed YOU also. FATHER I am so lonely and lost. Bring me to green pasture Lord Please Please Please. 

Amen

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