Day 207 The winter is back how fitting on marriage counseling day

 

It seemed winter is back and cold. Have not heard a peep out of marriage counseling so probably won't have that ever again. I pray to GOD to show me my steps and guide me through them and place the people in them to help. I am so lost as to what to do all I can do Lord is give it to You God. Help me give me peace and love and wisdom and words Father because only You Lord Can.

AMEN TO THAT

Soon many times in my life I have prayed for God's wisdom and protection and God has never failed me. But times in my marriage counseling satan can push a button like when my wife says I love you but I am too tired and too busy to do anything about you. I have other people to care for. And the marriage counselor seems to jump on the wagon and ask her if he can help her in any way and just like me she refuses him and says no. And I feel so defeated. And yes I scream at God for not making my counseling work yet then I go back to "the world hated Jesus first" and try to move on. 

But I think it's a lot like asking someone the simple phrase "The Sky is Blue" and then listening to the response. Do they see clouds and limit the world to what they see or do they know the sky will always be blue when the light is in it? Does it activate feelings of wanting to be outside in the sun (son) or thoughts of other things to do by themselves? There are so many things in life you can tell about a person from a single phrase

A person's thread of life can be determined if they live by what they see and adjust to it or live by what they know and push through it.

THANK YOU GOD

We are now up to 6 inchs of snow with slush and mild temperatures of 32 so yep I think salamanders tonight. Better be ready hehehe but dug out my snow coat that's water proof so I can walk to marriage counseling. Seems my wife said she would make it but she has to take my puppies to the vet so now a nightmare I have been having. My wife takes my puppies to the vet to have them put down for what she says is they are uncontrollable and might bite someone but I know its because she does not want me to have them so she kills them to hopefully get me to commit suicide so she gets everything and that way she doesn't believe in divorce. But I am praying 

GOD KEEP MY PUPPIES ALIVE AND ID THIS IS WHATS HAPPENING THEN FATHER GIVE ME THE PEOPLE TO HELP ME SAVE MY PUPPIES AND AND A HOUSE TO MOVE THEM INTO AND AN ATTORNEY TO GET MY HALF OF THE HOUSE IN DIVORCE.  Father please please help me to glorifie You Father that I can walk though this storm and follow Your words and steps you laid out for me. Give me the people to help and get to where I can be safe and alive. Please please Father. Amen

Dear diary 

Today at marriage counseling the counselor repeatedly said he can not fix our marriage only we can. He evidently talked a bunch with my wife because 1 he mentioned talking ti her Sunday and then started in on she can't get me to except the truth that I told her I was moving out because she would not go to marriage counseling. He then said if we come to something that we both think there is different truths we should forgive it and never mention it again. To which she started to complain about but he gave her a little look and ahe backed down. He then told me at least 4 times or more that everything I say is totally uncredited because of 1 text that I said daily while my wife said 1 day a week so I am lying because what she says without proof is truth. But God gave me calmness and words to say and things went through the motion. He said we need to talk and he told me so I will be head of the household again. Which I dont think I will ever be back in the household again so. He said we need to pray and start talking and working towards saving our marriage and again just as my wife said it needs to be both of us but she has excuses and I should be the one doing everything. I told him everything I have tried, failed and I am out of things that I can think of. So then he went on to tell my wife if she thinks of something run it past him and he will tell her if it will work or not. Nothing to me just "you need to keep trying because never stops therfore you shouldn't".  But then he finally said that my wife should have her husband as a top priority and should be thinking of him more then anyone else. Which sounded nice but I am pretty sure it was on deaf ears. We will see tonight because I am going to ask her for 1 feeling that we can describ to each other and spend time talking about that feeling. Doubt if it will go anyplace but thats what the counselor said. Then she asked if she could give me a ride home and I said I would rather walk. So she had to tell me again that I must not be listening to her because she said she loves me. But I am sorry words without actions is just words. If she is to busy for me and would rather do stuff for her pastor and not my then she does not love me at all. If we were dating and she acted like this I would have dumped her the first time she made an excuse of someone else is more important then me. And I guarantee the first time she says so and so said this and thats what I'm going to do and you can do what ever you want again I call it quits. Well that pretty much sums that up guess I will get ready for a phone call with my wife and tell you all about in little bit.

Well the phone call wasn't a total loss still kind of wondering if it will hold up. I decided or should say the Holy Spirit decided that picking 1 feeling that she would be comfortable about talking about it.

Tonight I would like you to pick a "feeling" you would be comfortable discussing and talk about how it affects you. Why it affects you. And evidence that you see that feeling being met in your life. Understanding we might not be able to do all of these items but we should start.

So she picked abandoned which was brought up in session today and we dove into talking about it we kind of complained about it and she started right into how she wasn't going to take me back if I started being abusive again so I  stopped her and said we are only talking about feelings and not making threats so let's get back to the feeling. From there it got a little more productive but I think we need to stick to this one feeling till we can talk openly about it and maybe from time to time add a sub feeling in like loneliness and how it interacts with abandon. Etc

Well I am going to stay up late and check for salamanders so see ya tomorrow......