Day 216 the wall the wall the wall

 


I know that my son did not scream and hate me in 2 days for no reason. I know my step daughter did not start dumping perfume for no reason. I know my wifes family does not want me living with her for no reason. And yet I have not had any communications with them only my wife. Now everything points to the church saying I need to fix the problem of all this hatred yet I had nothing to do with putting it there. My wife asks me to send her pictures and verses yet she is totally unwilling to share anything about her day. I do not see a change and do not see me moving back in ever. I pray that God will make the death threat know again enough to get me a divorce and enough money to buy a place to live and start over. And I pray God will put the people in place to help me move and sell my place in worland and get my puppies.


Today I am thinking of changing things up a bit with my marriage. My wife claims that I moved out because I was mad that she would not go to marriage counseling. Not the truth and certainly not a lie I would tell because it makes her look bad for not wanting our marriage to work. But I struggled and clawed against a church that believes everything she says and calls me a liar. No after 9 months of separation and living homeless. The last 2 weeks she has come up with saying over and over "did you hear me say I love you" which there are no actions to back it up. And all new saying that she has told the marriage counselor and myself that "she doesn’t believe in divorce". Today I am going to stop sending good night pictures and pictures of my day to show her I love her and turn it around. I am going to tell her this next week she gets to be the one the pursue our marriage and send me pictures and thoughts throughout the day to show she loves me and wants me. I still have an overwhelming feeling our marriage won't workout but as your devotional says I need to walk into it. So please pray for me to get strong directions from God and help to get to the other side of the mud.

Warmer today with almost 70 but the first lap I wore a blister in the top of my foot so changed my sandals for second lap and made almost 3/4 mile running which felt pretty good. Kind of feeling uneasy about tonight's phone call but I feel the encouragement from the Holy Spirit is there to go forward just have a bad feeling that the marriage counselor is going to make something bad out it and point it at me and say you are a bad person for trying to do this thing. Which I think is almost the end of my listening to him also. I may go and sit through his ridiculous pointing fingers and bad judgemental attitude but in the end if my wife is going to say she loves me she better start showing some signs of it cause words are not going to save pur marriage. 

Had some dumb lady in a black pickup swerve to tey and hit me because I was walking along her street I guess. Gave her a what the hell look and and held my hands out but she just swerved back and took off. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Year 1.4 soot sooty

Image
  This is the day the Lord has made. I still am upset that this day will pass so quickly and I will have nothing to reflect upon except the speed at which it went by. I am still homeless and lonely and praying for help and rescue yet the adversary is still parading around and gleaming in the happiness of their lies and getting everything the world can give them while I scrape to survive and pray for every speck of love God will give me. I watch as the people around increase in violence and rage and hangings and shootings and assassination threats become the everyday normal. People killing each other without regard to other lives and all for the idea of a skin color, a monetary status, a better idea of life, etc. God is shut away and satan rules the lives around me. I am hated and isolated for the peace of God comfort and protection. There is no way God will fix my marriage because the hate and attempted murder. God will keep me away by their hate to protect me. There is no way God ...
Read more

Year 1.178 noise noise

Image
  This mornings daily devotional email was in my inbox today so the battle rages on. This morning the noise is loud and I mean loud. Starting at 5am cars starting and reving up and car alarms going off and sirens racing past the camper. All with the level like they were inside beside me. The noise and busy still echo and pound and the world is trying to be noticed. It's like satan is driving the point of the associate pastor in the police car straight at me. But God let's a devotional email through this morning about using Gods lens on the out come of our world.  No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. ~ 1 Corinthians 9:27 NIV The saying "mind over matter" is missing one word—spiritual. It should read "spiritual mind over matter," but the overlying theme remains true no matter the version you use. This phrase speaks to the power of your thoughts and how all ...
Read more

Day 244 the memorial day weekend whoppee

Image
  Maybe I am just seeing the negative in my marriage and wanting it to end. Should I be concerned that my wife does not respect me. Should it not bother me that she only talks to other men and leaves the house to stand in the yard so I can't hear. Should I care that she doesn't talk to me at all about anything to do with other people and that her social media life is totally a secret life from me. Should I worry that she tells other family members to hate me and try to drive me away.  It just seems so hard to be in a world like this and think that is what God wants for me.  Today's devotional was about hopes and this is my hope. This is soooo true and everyday when I go on my walks Jesus is right there loving me the whole walk. And I see it weather it's the dogs that run to the fences with toys and wagging tails just to see me wave hi or the squirrels sitting on fence posts watching do pushups. Or the horses and cows running up the fences for a good head scratch.  Je...
Read more