What is my life worth

  So here is a thought that was placed in my little brain this morning.  "How important is it for us to know exactly what we are asking God to fight for us?" I means most the psalms seem to point to a specific fight. So when I pray for God to help my fight of my marriage problems I am being told today that I need to drill it down more to what I am fighting. Which is 1 the anger I have because the death threat I turned into the police in 2017 seems to have disappeared from all police records and now in the last few years every argument we had ends with the quite promise "and you will never find the death threat because I have made sure it is completely erased". And now she has everyone believing I made all of it up because I am crazy and they all turn against me because of her lies.  As I am looking back on issue's deciding what my fight is today I am finding that I am placing to much on my feelings and anger and pride and not focusing on what satan is doing to t...

  So today will be marriage counseling after a 3 week of Non because of illness or other but we had 1 session in January 23rd after a 3 week vacation of the counselor so I feel so uncomfortable going into this. On one hand I am praying that God will inflict walls between my wife and her preacher man to stop all exchanges of emotions and care between them even going to the extremes of taking satan completely out and forcing her to confront her lies and hidden secrets and confess. Leading to either a repentance and desire to save what she is trying so hard to destroy or open her desires to completely destroy that which God desires and I walk away today looking for the legal help to severe the situation. I feel there is distancing between my communication with God and my direction but I am pleading with God today for Him to be in full control of my mind, heart and tounge. To accomplish that which He wants for my life. Well by 1pm I am feeling lonely, tired, scared and wanting to quit ...

  What is this day to bring? As the day started it was slow and tired like most. My daughter seems to slept better with the new pads on her neck brace and I was up till midnight waiting for the ground to freeze so I could get water and pack it back to rv without mud. I was up and moving by 6:30am so played games and wondered what all had happened Thursday. My wife misses marriage counseling because of doctor check up which she's is typing back into the group chat and I am not sure she knew it. But I asked what was wrong and she said wellness check up for Medicare which seemed strange she would make the appointment over counseling without knowing the day before when counselor was asking yet the counselor seemed to know about it and said "oh that's right I forgot" which tells me it was something way more that I am not to know about. Then there's Holy Spirit tells me to send a private text to counselor that I am close to giving up on my marriage. He replies back that...

  Woke this morning with thoughts of a nice life in a house with yard to take care of and my 2 puppies there to play and enjoy life with. Then the paranoia of someone trying to kill me sets in and I start saying away from everything. Then I turn to all the lies and police records my wife has made disappear and how many men over the years have said hi to us and she immediately says she hates them because they cheat on their wives. Which I am now realizing she would be the to know. Then there's all the hints she dropped like the first year we were married she kept asking if she was to large for me and if I was satisfied which was such a nice way to tell me she was not because I was not enough for her then she started throwing away gift she like a 287 dollar pair of ear rings because they were zirconium and not real diamonds and she would only wear real diamonds. From that day one she hated almost every gift I gave her. Over all the years of marriage I have tried to let her make her b...

  Am I just old toast floating away or is there a reality I acrually exist in? I think of all the secrets and lies my wife is hiding and yet so many believe they are my lies because she has made everyone believe I made the stuff up and therefore I am dangerous. Like the death threat recording. Yet under her breath where no one can hear she reminds me over and over that no body will ever find it because she had the police completely erase it. So I am stuck in a reality of her design and forced to live by her constraints of sexual bribery and evidence tampering and affairs. My marriage counseling is almost non existing since we have had 1 session in 2 months. There is a possibility of a session this week since it will be warmer but it's am just so torn as to how she is changing email address and Facebook accounts so I can't see what she is doing online and the church tells me I am not allowed to know anything about her but yet we are to be getting back together.  So today it'...

  It's 1am and my mind is racing through the what ifs and should I things that I day dream about and finding a home and moving in and a new life. And it kept going till 5am then I finally crashed and slept till 8:30am at which time got up and had breakfast and sat around played games till noon ate lunch and decided to gonout for walk. Started with my daughter but as we crossed the parking lot the north wind doubled in speed and bitter coldness. Sonwe turned around and came back. I then went for my long walk. Had a nice day dream time and moved into several new.homes heheheh

  Still pretty sick with pneumonia so today ai did very very little but sleep.  My lungs are feeling better and my fever is down to under 100 off and on so I believe the 3rd shot of gin or juniper berry juice got it. But still have congestion in sinus and runny nose. My wife last night started out complaining how bad her day was because she had her mother and her pastor's grandson but when I stopped talking she dropped that real quick. She seems soooo eager to make and do things to please her pastor to the extremes of exhaustion yet she is to tired to talk to me if she only has her mother there and her daughter is home helping her. I pray God will place a wall of animosity between them and form a break that will sever the entire relationship of these two. She will endure everything to please him and for go her marriage and yet the church see nothing. I can not believe how blind satan is holding this church and eating the sheep by the mouth full. LORD RAISE THE FENCE AND KILL T...

  So as high as my fever was 104 and as bad as I felt I called off marriage counseling since I knew I would not make it. I battled all day and finally messaged the VA but I tried another shot of gin and at 930pm it broke my fever and started to clear so did I walk into a diva cloud at Walmart and get pneumonia by chance or is God working something I don't see. I mean like my wife sent me a text saying "Sorry you got pneumonia  again. Rest, stay warm, take care. Love you" which seems non-concerned but then i got wondering if God is doing something behind the scenes and a session might have changed it. I don't know but I hope to find out soon. As I keep opening my mind thoughts of level 1 communications keeps coming in and wondering if me and my wife will ever reach this level. I have the strongest sense that should be my next question to the counselor is can he start teaching us to communicate in hopes that we might reach that level. He seems very content on believing ...

  Do I or Don't I have the goal of following God's plan? Well crap o la I got got in and diva cloud of perfume yesterday at wally mart and had walking pneumonia last night by the time I got home. This morning fever is 104 and time to start juniper berry antibiotics and chickweed. And yes much like the expression on this lama "so who cares"  hehehehe So today may be shorter and pointed cause there is a cure I just hate the taste hehehe

  The day of returning home. Can't tell you how much I enjoyed the motel shower after so long at the rv park I am so ready to find a house and move in. Still praying some direction and for the truth to come out. I kind of think the truth coming out would set alot of the direction I turn but not sure as to what God has planned if you know what I mean God.... We made it back home and my daughter is doing really well no headache and the rough icy roads didn't hurt her much at all. Did see a nice cyber truck test vehicle while in cody. Really like the color to.  Finished off my steps and now I am back on the couch playing games. Well its no contact night and it seems I caught a cold from some where so I  sacking out 

 Yep they big day for my daughter. Snowing like crazy and cold below zero. What a way to start the day. But made it the whole half mile to hospital and daughter is back in surgery. I checked in early for wound care since they thought I wouldn't make it through the snow. So now sitting and waiting and playing games and dreaming of things to come. Praying God will bring the truth to light and guide me through His plan so I can soon get on with my life instead of sitting in this holding pattern.  I may get my walk in today maybe when I go back to motel and sit awhile may walk to Walmart then do some pushups in motel and be good for the day. I am hoping wound care says I am done and can scrub my back. If so it's shower time. Last night I soaked in the tub and got about 20 pounds of dead skin off hehehe so feeling a while lot cleaner today. This morning my serpentine belt on the truck was squealing so better get a new one. Think I can by one and change it real quick this weekend wh...

  So the day begins and the week starts. The sub zero cold is back till Thursday and snow starting this afternoon till Wednesday so we are heading out to cody today to be therr for surgery tomorrow and the back on Wednesday. I have wound care tomorrow also during my daughters surgery then I have VA doctor appointment Wednesday morning. I keep dreaming how nice it would be if they truth were uncovered while I was in cody and they found a place around Clark to move so that I could just leave cody and everything would be moved to the new place and I head straight there. What a nice day that would be. Everything done and a house to live in.  Anyway forgot that it was president's day so no group this morning so I am at daughters doctor appointment then head to rv and gather up our stuff and then head to cody. Wait till 3pm to check in and start our mini vacation hahaha. The snow started and the blowing started and the bitter cold got colder so we took off in case it was a slow trip...

 So last night I made a comment in my text to my wife that I hoped it was I used the words "love you" in a goodnight picture I texted to her since she seemed so reluctant to use the word and her reply was "I was waiting for you to say it first" so I guess that means everything in our relationship from now on will have to be me saying it first every time or she will never say it. And I guess that means if she doesn't want to say it she will revert back to the old thing of "so and so said this and thats what I'm going to do you can do what ever you want" which basically tells me she is still totally passive and does not desire anything from this marriage. Well pretty lazy day today. Monday and Tuesday are suppose to be way colder then normal like below zero this Wednesday and Monday and Tuesday are both winter storm watch days with 2 feet or more of snow predicted so we are heading out tomorrow and spending 2 nights at cody motel.  And all 3 days are...

  Today it's warmer a bit. It's 8 degrees and snowing like crazy. I find myself self pleading with God again to bring the audio recording of the death threat back to life from where ever my wife got office campbell to hide it for sex. I plead with you oh Lord to revile all her lies and expose the evil satan is using her for. Father protect me and give me Your love and Spirit to hold me together through this trial. Guide my mouth and sight as I try to get through this. Please please oh Lord make it soon amen. It remained cold most the day but when the sun popped out around 1pm I decided to hit the road and and go for my walk. Got 4.5 miles and all the horses were out waiting by fences some talking. My squirrel buddy was ready also as soon as I started my 3 laps pasted his eating tree he ran up and start chowing down. I finally figured it out there are 2 hawks flying around there but fly away when I walk out there so he is using me for protection hehehe buts that's just fine....

  It's above zero this morning and feeling better as far as sleep.  The day started off good was awake by 4am because the bladder was full so ran to rest room and then played games awhile.  Hit the road at 7:30am and got to first appointment. While my daughter was in with doctor for pre-op I took a walk for 2 miles and got my steps in. She was done and sitting in waiting room long before I got back.  Then off for a nice steak and eggs breakfast and then to the parts store to get her neck brace for surgery next week. While there I signed for legal aid to help get some advice on buying a house and separation etc. I am so not sure were my marriage is going but with the lack of even likes she hasn't demonstrated I am sure it is never going to be intimate again for life. This morning she sent me a simple text that read "hope your drive to cody goes okay"  MAN  if that doesn't say I love you for valentines day I do not know what would.  Hehehehe. So on ward ...

  Minus 22 this morning and I certainly feel like staying under the blankets today that's for sure. Not really wanting to go to marriage counseling today but if they are going to have it I guess I should be there. Will wait till about noon and send out verification text with group, wife and counselor, to see if my wife is going. I pretty much think she if going to say no but may be surprised. I am also starting to think I may do a search of the police report in newspaper for 2017 and see if my name shows up as reporting the call.  If it does then I can get a picture of the paper and ask them why they have this but the police do not. Well so I texted this morning to see if everyone was still on board for our marriage counseling and of course my wife said she thinks she will stay home. So 2 weeks out now. Beginning to think that not only if the communication failing and dropping off and the love is dissolving to not even knowing each other but now the desire to even try is leavi...

  Colder yet brrrrr I think tonight will be the last night of bitter cold below zero. Looks like 2 or 3 more nights off and on over the next weeks of minus 1 or 3 but not the 22 hehehe I drove my daughter to her appointment today and as I sat out front in my truck and looked at the news paper office I wondered if the police reports for 2017 might have my complaint in them or a prank phone call under my wife's name.  As I talked to my counselor today I told him that I do not think I would go back to the marriage if my wife continued to hide the death threat and not tell the truth. Other wise I am going back to the exact same thing I left her for.  I just keep praying God will bring this truth out and cleans this lie and make it open and clear. I know this will either end the marriage because of the truth or will strengthen it because of the truth but that is only known by God. Did not go for a walk today and tonight is no contact not since my wife is busy helping her pasto...

 Brrr minus 18 and cold ing hehehehe so I forgot to post my blog on the 10th so now I have 2 on the 11th hehehe oh well such is life. It's tuesday and my knee is hurting but I think I will head up monday to spend 2 nights in cody. 1 so my daughter and shower and get all cleaned up for her surgery Tuesday and then she spends the night in the hospital so I will clean up that night hehehe. Get the most out of our bucks hehehe.  Forgot my breathing exercises last night so will have to tey and make up today. And I guess I had better walk today. My knee really hurts this morning. After the quick phone call with my wife last night I have not heard a word from her nor do I expect to till tonight maybe.  Been thinking how nice it would be if they would catch someone she has gotten to kill me again and then victims of violence would get me a new house to move to for safety hehehe but that I am sure is dreaming again. Maybe its just me but kind of feel like doing nothing for anybody...

 It's a monday that's for sure. My daughter starts off by telling me she already knows everything when I am trying to tell her something and my wife even though she is replying to some pictures I sent hasn't said she loves me for almost a week. Today I am feeling way down and the refrigerator is not working so now there is even more contention in the little RV. Wowser it's snowing and blowing and really feels cold I almost think I may just stay under my blankets today and stay warm hehehe. Setting jugs of water pit in the snow to freeze so I can keep the refrigerator cool and keep the frozen stuff in the truck to stay frozen.  Did not walk today just stayed warmed and burned out one of the heating elements in the electric heater darn it on the coldest day hehehe missed my breathing exercises also.

  Yep it's so cold even the flamingo are ice skating. So this bright and chilli morning finds me pondering what if things. Like what's if my wife actually starts to pay interest to me or even starts to try and communicate with me. I mean I might start to go along with it but if she never admits to the death threat call and how she constantly throws it in my face that I will never find ot because she made sure it was erased. There will never be trust and without trust I'm thinking never be intimate with her and I will desire to live alone and be married so I don't get involved. But then I have the thinking that if the recording came back and she was found to have sex for bribery to get officer campbell to erased it the she might not be living with me either. So with everyone fooled into her lies all I can do right now is exactly what God has said all along "work in the field I have put you in and wait for the sign I have told you about"  so working I go. The su...

  Cold and below zero again. Still have about 10 days of this they say which makes the walks a little tougher but only need 2 more days to get my 4 week badge haha. Sure not feeling much love today such a lousy phone call with my wife last night I am really feeling alone today and kind of wanting it that way but on the other hand I would love to have someone to talk about life and dreams and feelings with.  So this is were my day is starting. My daughter has surgery coming up so this morning our marriage counselor sends out a text group of my wife, him, and me saying he is OK and over his flu so marriage counseling is on next Thursday but the church is so herd mentality and that's 4 days before surgery that I am pretty sure Wednesday I will be canceling. I also am thinking about no call tonight. I checked and my wife has not read my text from yesterday night asking if she wanted to talk. So why bother. PLEASE PLEASE OH LORD MAKE HER LIES KNOWN AND LET THE CALL SHE HID COME OUT...

  Lord I grow tired and weak and so badly plead with you to block all links of my wife bring out the truth of all these years she has lied take your judgement oh Lord and crush the enemy. Cast him away and bring back or remove my conflict. In Jesus I plead with you God. I argued with God and screamed and yelled on my walk and feel better but still wish the truth would come out. Got a call this morning from blood doner folks wanting me to make appointment which I let go to voice mail and here is the reason why.  In December I was scheduled for my regular donation and the day before I get an email saying sorry to hear you canceled your appointment. So I call the head office and explain I did not cancel so why am I now canceled and she tells me they would have to look into it so I tell her to but me back in at my time slot and ahe tells me she can't no reason why just can't but can put me in 4 hours later. To which I  said sorry can't. Come to find out one of the volunteers ...

  Well slept from 10 till 1:30am so guess thats not bad. But my feet have felt chilled all yesterday afternoon and last night not sure why but the heater has been running and it gets up to 68 so should be warmer but it's still below zero outside so I think its wearing on me hehehe. They are saying the next 7 to 10 days will be the same so that might something to do with it also. I need to start painting my metal mounting strap so I can have the hand rail put on before my daughters surgery. I will concentrate on that today because marriage counseling is off. Well by noon I had the hand rail installed and went for a walk. Seems I needed lots of monitoring hehehehe  Yes they were watching me close hehehehe. The walk went well and got back guess we will see what the evening call brings from my wife but thats about all today looks like next week is all highs in the teens and lows below zero so I am hoping for surgery week for my daughter that we see some nice tempatures so snow wil...