Day 157 Today is filled with blank mindedness

 


Woke this morning with thoughts of a nice life in a house with yard to take care of and my 2 puppies there to play and enjoy life with. Then the paranoia of someone trying to kill me sets in and I start saying away from everything. Then I turn to all the lies and police records my wife has made disappear and how many men over the years have said hi to us and she immediately says she hates them because they cheat on their wives. Which I am now realizing she would be the to know. Then there's all the hints she dropped like the first year we were married she kept asking if she was to large for me and if I was satisfied which was such a nice way to tell me she was not because I was not enough for her then she started throwing away gift she like a 287 dollar pair of ear rings because they were zirconium and not real diamonds and she would only wear real diamonds. From that day one she hated almost every gift I gave her. Over all the years of marriage I have tried to let her make her breakfast in bed but no way I could never cook perfect enough for her but she has been nice to tell me which men she would let cook her breakfast in bed. And I am starting to think my marriage ended 1 year after we got married but I was to stupid to know it. 

After counseling with my VA counselor this morning I am starting to think if I can get some clear legal answers and they point to a good life only if I am alone then I think I will seek half the house money and start looking for a place to live and head for divorce. My counselor was probably correct when he said she does not seem interested in or want to keep this marriage but hoping I will terminate it so she can look like a good Christian lady.

So spent some quite time while my daughter was in her counseling session and played some games. Everything was melting at flood like levels hehehe we had lunch at the China buffet and it really hit the spot. We then hit walmart and very lucky for me my daughter went in first because last week i came home with pneumonia after getting stuck in a diva cloud of perfume some lady had on. So my daughter turned around real quick and said "dad get your mask on its to thick in here" so we shopped and after we left the store driving out of the parking lot we had to roll the windows down because there was still so much perfume stuck in our cloths you could gag on it. 

We got home and I went for a walk to get more of my step goal and do some pushups. After reaching my goal I was feeling down and down on the entire walk about my marriage and counseling and wishing so hard I could just get a house in the country with my 2 dogs and spend time staring out the windows at badlands and things turning green. I would so love planting tulips today and my puppies would be right there helping all day. We could have so much fun doing landscaping and yard work. PLEASE PLEASE GOD HELP ME TO FIND PEACE AND CONTENTMENT. HELP ME TO GET MY FEET ON YOUR PATH AND FEEL YOUR LOVE AND STRENGTH FOR TONIGHT I HAVE NONE. I AM SO DISCOURAGED AND DOWN AND JUST WANT AND END. ALL I SEE IS MY WIFE HAS AND NEVER HAS LOVED ME AND HAS NO DESIRE OR WANT TO BE IN THIS MARRIAGE IF I AM WRONG FATHER SHOW ME IF I AM RIGHT FATHER HELP MOVE TO WERE YOU NEED ME THE MOST AND I CAN FINISH MY DAYS SERVING YOU LORD.

tomorrow is marriage counseling and I feel so ready to walk in the door and put a tiny speck of paper on the table and say there is how much love and desire I feel from my wife and thats all I have had since 2009. It hasn't changed it doesn't seem to want to be changed and I am to tired of fighting for love. I will file for divorce as soon as I can afford an attorney. And walk out 

MY LIFE SUCKS 


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