What is my life worth

  Today   I find myself pleading with God today to not only break the connection between my wife and the pastor of her church but to harden their hearts against each other and build major strife that they would hate talking or sharing or being around each other. Please please oh Lord make this happen soon so that her heart would start to turn back to her marriage if this is Your will. I am still frustrated with the question yesterday in counseling about if I had made any progress on my abusive anger and hate. Its IS completely going off of what she says and there is nothing totally nothing about the truth. But thats ok because God has been working on me to stop obsessing about my love for her and start working in a life with Him. But that leads me to question what the outcome is for my marriage. So as an experiment I thought would just type in my feelings into an AI art program and see what it came up with. I am feeling confused about the direction my life is going and ho...

  First marriage counseling of 2025 since marriage counselor has been gone for a month. I think I am prepared for most everything but I am still praying the Holy Spirit will guide me and give me words to say and wisdom to act that will benefit God's plan and not my wants. Well the friend from church called back so it seems that God is still working but I am still not sure of the steps so as mentioned before I am praying the Holy Spirit guides me. Yesterday this hole opened in the sun and looked right at earth. Guess I better check the aurora borealis forecast hehehe Well it doesn't look like there will be much g rating storms from the hole in the sun but still awesome picture hehhee Today was marriage counseling day and I stopped at a friend's house and fixed their computer for them on the way to meeting. But the session went pretty good for the most part. When I was asked if I was making headway on my abusive hate and anger like maybe only 2 times a week or so I was proud ...

  I could stand outside and survive but I would be doing nothing. I know God has things I should be doing but they seem jumbled by my needs of companionship and being wanted. It is hard to stand outside a wall someone has built against you and survive, knowing that it's their wall and as MC Hammer says can't touch this hehehe. So to be doing. I know over and over God has told me to work in the field He has placed me and wait for the sign He told me about. Yet the field is so big and nobody else is here to work alongside of. This is going to be a tough day I can tell.  Took a shower today and of course inspector socks had to check the shower out when I finished hehehe changed my bandage on back and one of the men from my wife's church showed up so I got to explain everything thats going on and why I moved out because of the perfume but they needed computer help so will try to get them set up. It was nice to have that so I know God is showing me something but I'm not sure...

  If we were to function at only 2 levels and those were hearing and smell could we actually have relationships that have meaning? Over the last 8 years my wife has been making new facebook accounts and Instagram a bunch of social media accounts under different names and address etc. But she hides them and does not what me to know anything about them, which swings the gap for mistrust wiiiiidee open. So far I have found 26 and yesterday on the scan of the dark web I found 2 more she used my cellphone number with one of her normal fake names with an address in Toledo Ohio. Now today I am wondering, OK know that she plays the no talk game so she won't get caught talking about something from her hidden dark side. Would I be able to have a full relationship again? What a pondering question. So almost 30 again and the walk was great. Mr Goose still hanging in there but I worry about him, he has found a pretty good hiding spot but eats very little. I did notice her ate some of the popcor...

  Really nice day, cody was almost 40 lots of melt althought basin was 10 degrees cooler.  Wound care went good and sounds like I may not need the skin graft which is nice although this will leave a bigger mark hehehe.  The doctor cuts and scrapes the wound to make it bleed causing it to form a scab which will build new tissue. But on a good note I have a belly button and now I have a backy button hehehe and both are innies hehehe ok great funny at the beach.  So Mr Goose is still wondering around the fairgrounds. He is looking good and when I stood in front of him this morning he held his wings out and hissed (which I so wished I would have thought to pull the cell out and start video rolling) but I could not see and signs of damage but he walks slow like his right wing and leg bother him. Which is the side showing in picture. This makes day 4 that he has been here. I took him popcorn last night and moved it this morning closer to where he moved and today durin...

  Below zero again and chilled through and through hehehe by Friday the highs around 40 then next week back down to zero. It's so hard to warm up and planet when the polar swirl keeps dipping down.  But the sun is out.  Today my mind seems to be blank. Trying to think of pictures for AI to draw and nothing comes in. It's also in my thinking of thing like life and tomorrow and my wife etc everything just seems to go blank. Guess my mind is taking a break. I am curious to see if Mr Goose spent another night at the fairgrounds so looking forward to that on the walk. But it's not suppose to be as warm as yesterday so going to be tad cold.   I find myself extremely heavy on thinking of divorce and moving but still wondering if God needs me to keep trying. I am praying to you God for you to show me Your will in my life, let me see where I am heading in Your plan that I might stay true on the path. There are so many things I cannot see and deal with so I am lost in a s...

 I could say it's nice to see things warming up but then I think of all the yard work and landscaping I won't be doing the summer and it saddens me to know in the years of my life when I so enjoy doing it I have been driven away from it and maybe for the rest of my life. I know that for the last 10 or more years I would plan flowers and fruit plants etc to make the yard beautiful and productive and my wife did not care or even look. She was to busy on the phone or at the church. I even tried many times take her out to look but she did not want to. So all the satisfaction was from myself. But without this summer I will be lost. I pray that God would bring this back to my life and let me tend a yard of my own, let me create the beauty He so loving instills in my heart. Wow it was calm sunny and cold hehehe but the walk was great. Mr Goose I saw yesterday in the fairgrounds actually spent the night in one of the camping spots there. Note the RV power hookup box's on the fence ...

  It's amazing how much I search and how little I find that makes sense. I know the past and I have lived the experiences and yet nothing helps with knowing the path to choose. But I do find they are very pressing at forming an emotional guide to where I think I want to go. Yet in prayer I find the answer is "wait for the sign" yet my mind wants a direction to walk. So the biggest prayer is patience to listen to God's direction and quit forming my own.  Isa 58:11 Darby and Jehovah will guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and strengthen thy bones; and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a water-spring, whose waters deceive not. Pro 3:5-6 Darby 5 Confide in Jehovah with all thy heart, and lean not unto thine own intelligence; 6 in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he will make plain thy paths. Psa 119:133 Darby Establish my steps in thy *word; and let not any iniquity have dominion over me. The day turned out nice with lots of open sk...

  There are some many times that when I am typing and my train of thought disappears and new words start slowly coming in. It is not a rush of words but slow input that I am forced to ponder meaning for the words. But when I am done it is usually something aligned with God then what I was thinking. And it is also way different then when I am talking, mostly because I do not pause to wait for the next word but blast ahead. Most the time in this communication my thoughts are just erased and I am left with nothing to say.  Then the final is when the Holy Spirit is teaching or rebuking it is a entire block of thought all at once so that I have hours of questions and rethinking and more questions etc. Don't get me wrong I love this communication relationship and look forward to it all the time but in total YES the Holy Spirit can take captive your thoughts. Example would be like I was saying yesterday about all the things I would say about my relationship with my wife's church and ...

 As I was leaving the house this morning on my faithful steed I thought about what the day would be like if nothing happened and everything I thought of was nothing. Does that make the day worthless or successful since I accomplished everything of nothing that I did. So last night stayed around 20 degrees and was really warm hehehe compared to minus 14 so that was good and it's around 27 degrees and cloudy and wind blowing like crazy. But we talked before my walk and it was pretty good. Did not wear my cold coat and stayed warm with mask on. Been trying to get the RV set so the furnace runs every hour so not to make park owner mad and I am still thinking pretty hard on a ecoflow wave 2 heat pump. Max solar input is 400 watts but it will run for 8 hours on a charge and I have 25 345 watt solar panels so 1 panel strapped to the front of rv would heat and cool rv off sunshine and save me a bunch. But then I so badly want a house to live in and there seems to be a bunch showing up liva...

  So as I was landing on my secret moon base to escape the rat race known as sin (and yes seclusion is a sin also) I just had to marvel at the beauty of the moment. The earth in the sky and towering walls to prevent meteorites from hitting the structures it is all just a great picture.  So anyway my wife actually sent a text this morning that she liked both pictures I sent. No good morning or how are you doing and did not even say anything about the picture I sent right before those 2 of the snow blowing off of franks peak south of cody. So was it an actual response or just testing the line to make sure the fish are still around. It's still below zero outside and looking for a high today of almost 20 Woo-hoo, I noticed this morning there are some 1/4 to 1/2 inch cracks about 6 to 10 feet long around the RV this morning that weren't there last night. About 4 or 5 of them heading in all directions so not sure if it's the ground contracting or did one of jelly stones quakes mo...

  The day begins and I find myself wondering if I am being strung along for something to happen my wife wants or the church wants. With the very little desire and communication, she has it seems like she gives just enough to try and keep me interested in saving the marriage but is planning something or is she really serious about saving the marriage but wants it to stay just where it is at? Maybe there is an aspect to it like she is trying to figure out why her lies are being found out and if the death threat audio may come back to haunt her or maybe she is hoping I find out the truth and walk away or get so angry she can have me jailed (which has been tried before and has failed on numerous occasions) so she doesn't have to split the money from the sale of the house. There are even more options but I am running through these and thinking I just wish I had a point to head towards and focus but just can't seem to understand which one God wants me to do. -14 and yep it is chilli ...

  It's below zero barely like -2 which isnt to bad. Tonight is suppose to be -20 so getting the worst tonight then slowly warm up to 20s high and single digits low. Was really hoping to wake up to my nanobots telling me my house was built and they would teleport me and all the things stored around  to there. But nope not yet if they are working it's taking them some time to get it done. It almost noon and 6 degrees I think I will warm up my feet under the blanket for a bit then toss on the cold gear and head out for a walk. Slightly snowing but nothing bad and I kind of have the RV furnace set to come on when RV is down to 60 and warm it up to like 68 and that cycle durning the day is like every 2 hours about.  Which should make the propane last a few days. Still thinking of all kinds of different things for what is happening. Today is one of her no contact days and I have told myself if she says she is tired we are done talking and for 3 days now I have asked over and ov...

   Not sure why but I pray for guidance and steps and God does not seem to show. I know He use to tell me to send texts without wanting replies but I am tired of loss and lack and now it seems even God is stepping back. I still feel His presence but its a waiting mode type thing like He is here but watching. I just wish I knew were to go or do. I have so many mixed and lost feelings that just want to be dumped at the side of the road and move to a relationship with someone to share life with. But I  am also finding that the paranoia and mistrust could lead to a big lack of sharing in my life from here on. Went for a walk today in the big 16 degrees and blowing wind. Had to get my heavy coat out which was really warm hehehe. Even had to unzip it at times so I would not sweat much and get hypothermia. Got all my pushups in plus some extras. Then got back to the RV and played a few games with my daughter and started in blogging. I sure hope this next week in wound care I fin...

  Well its the day the  cold blast hits so bracing for it. RV park owner got a tad bit upset yesterday because everyone is heating with electric and he doesn't want to pay an extra 1000 a month for electric when we should be using propane so guess I better test the heater and run it a couple of time so he knows I use it. Will probably be trying out my face covers today to protect my lungs from cold. Still pondering the thought of what my next steps should be. I want to hear from God but all the people I deal with seem to be distancing them selves and my wife seems to an extent making 1 effort to drop off a bill to me came on her own. But that was the only effort to try and communicate with me all other has been responding to me initiating. Well except the first 4 days of the month when I complained to the marriage counselor about it and he talked to her then she said good morning in a text 3 time before I did. But I soooo badly want a place to live and would really prefer to o...

  Oh the nights show so much more of God's creation then day. In the sun we see the earth, dirt everything around us in a fallen world yet at night we see the stars and planets that are untouched by sin. We see the unlimited glory of God. I almost every night stand and stare at the sky just to realize how small I am and God still loves me. Zephaniah 3:17 ESV  The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. 1 John 3:1 ESV See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Jeremiah 31:3 ESV  The Lord appeared to him from far away. I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you. Rom 8:37-39  Darby 37 But in all these things we more than conquer through him that has loved us...

  This was during the senior Olympics ran past this guy and his goatee was exactly like mine hehehe.  Did one Olympics in 2010 then in 2013 got hit by a pickup doing 65 while riding my bicycle so after some recovery I did them again in 2015 and the next year my dog jumped on my calf and popped the Achilles tendon off the heal and that was a long recovery after reattaching so haven't done any since. I was doing the triathlon which I enjoy. Always managed to get 2nd place each time but was fun.  Well, it's 2 am9 and so far I have woken up twice with the feeling someone is standing over me ready to stab me. Kind of freaked out now. Hey, I survived the night. Man that was totally weird. It felt as if someone was leaning over me and I could feel the pressure but when I looked it was just black shadows. So I did not sleep much last night. Off again to cody for more doctors today but I had a good session with my VA counselor and we talked alot about what finding the evidenc...