Day 120 The tug of so many emotions for outcomes is wearing me out.

 

The day begins and I find myself wondering if I am being strung along for something to happen my wife wants or the church wants. With the very little desire and communication, she has it seems like she gives just enough to try and keep me interested in saving the marriage but is planning something or is she really serious about saving the marriage but wants it to stay just where it is at? Maybe there is an aspect to it like she is trying to figure out why her lies are being found out and if the death threat audio may come back to haunt her or maybe she is hoping I find out the truth and walk away or get so angry she can have me jailed (which has been tried before and has failed on numerous occasions) so she doesn't have to split the money from the sale of the house. There are even more options but I am running through these and thinking I just wish I had a point to head towards and focus but just can't seem to understand which one God wants me to do. -14 and yep it is chilli outside. But did not get all the snow they called for and the wind died down. The sky is clear so that should start warming things up as soon as the sun comes out. I think I will bury back under the blankets and stay warm a few more hours hehehe Wound care day and cold. Roads look icy to cody so hoping its a good safe day and God protects us all day. And God was good like always thank you Lord for such a great day even through the cooold it was warm and everything worked and went great thank you God for loving me so much. While in cody the doctor says my back is starting to reconnect the skin the muscle and my area of unattached went from 6 inches down to a little over 1 inch left. He dug out a lot of blood soaked collagen which normally dissolves but yep I am weird and it is not hehehehe but he thinks this week I should wear a open gauze pad so it will get max drying and maybe next week it might be ready to close the drain hole.

Yes it's a pretty ugly back I know but it's all I have and think I will keep it. Could star in a Frankenstein movie though. But they think a placenta skin graph over the hole should make it invisible hahaha like sure nobody will notice hahaha ok it is kind of funny.  

Then we went to RV parts and picked up a handrail for the RV since they are moving ahead at high speed with my daughters neck surgery they said she could handle living in RV but a handrail would be must so now I need a 27 inch metal strap 1/4 inch thick to make a mount and then warm day to mount it hehehe. But got home and it was a whopping 8 degrees so figured I would try to get steps and pushups in. Made 3 trips around the fairgrounds and did a set of 50 every round hehehe. The wind was mild but coooold. I am really excited about my back and not having any more doctors to mess with but I  must admit I really really love the attention I get from any of my care givers since I don't have any other source of love in my life. God has pointed me to the best of these through the last 8 months and I praise Him for giving me His love through them. It did not take long but it's now below zero outside again hehehe as soon as the sun set it was there. Sky is clear and lots of stars but way to cold to linger on the way back across the parking lot from bathroom hehehe. Man I sure wish those nanobots would text me that my house was ready hehehe. Guess I will hunker down under the blankets and play some games then day dream for a long while. See you all tomorrow....  

Well the call tonight was again slow progress. Plus she never mentioned being tired since I have been stopping as soon as she says it. Plus she actually said to send her pictures so that was kind of nice. She told me what she ate for breakfast and lunch when I asked but then asked what she had planned for spring or summer to which she said "oh nothing maybe take gma for walks when its warm enough" so again its response talk only and no deaire or communication about a relationship with me so i am feeling pretty much that if she wants a marriage its right where we are at right now. Not together and not talking. I guess all her talk about her being perfect and her world is perfect really means I am not good enough for her and never will be.