Day 117 Ever have one of those days when you look in the mirror and say "Man you are and old goat"

 

This was during the senior Olympics ran past this guy and his goatee was exactly like mine hehehe.  Did one Olympics in 2010 then in 2013 got hit by a pickup doing 65 while riding my bicycle so after some recovery I did them again in 2015 and the next year my dog jumped on my calf and popped the Achilles tendon off the heal and that was a long recovery after reattaching so haven't done any since. I was doing the triathlon which I enjoy. Always managed to get 2nd place each time but was fun.  Well, it's 2 am9 and so far I have woken up twice with the feeling someone is standing over me ready to stab me. Kind of freaked out now. Hey, I survived the night. Man that was totally weird. It felt as if someone was leaning over me and I could feel the pressure but when I looked it was just black shadows. So I did not sleep much last night. Off again to cody for more doctors today but I had a good session with my VA counselor and we talked alot about what finding the evidence would mean and would that restore my trust in my wife or just make me feel better about what people think of me.  So like I said he does come up with good thoughts. Went to cody again for doctors and saw the wife in Walmart but she totally ignored me so I grabbed my stuff and left. I am still running through a lot of what was said and mostly how to I want the rest of my life to be. So now I am questioning if saving this relationship is even worth it. I just want to screem most the time. Feels like I want out of prison or something. I want a house to live in and a yard to take care of and my dogs to love up on. Just had one of those good talks with my daughter and of course she makes a lot of sense and I think my plan is going to be this. My wife has a wall of lies built with people around so they all think she is in fear for her life because I am some mentally unstable person with abusive tendency so they all hate and fear and see ME as the lier yet she is. That aside I need to find out if I am willing to push against a wall by myself with her standing on the other side ignoring me 99 percent of the time and once in a while she will say I Love You in a response only or tell the marriage counselor that yes she wants to save the marriage but those are the only 2 relationship things she has ever done. So I push a one sided battle and if after 3 to 6 months I don't see any chance of change or relationship building then I will file for divorce. And yes the church will frown at me and tell me I am bad but since she is the one pushing for it right now it makes no difference it will be their opinion and not the truth. Next I need to find an attorney and find out since Wyoming is joint or common law I think that's the way they say. But I paid 15 year of mortgage on our house from a joint account so I should be able to get 50% of the house value and if the possibly is 90% or better I can then I will start looking very very seriously for a house to buy in the country and move everything there and use that money to pay as much of the house as I can. So next week our marriage counselor gets back and i will see how much has changed in the 3 weeks he had been gone and if we are back a long ways or if things might be going forward. I am still very upset that the counselor keeps telling me how much better he is then me or belittling me but the Holy Spirit so far keeps saying to keep my mouth shut. I did get a nice walk in while in cody and it was gorgeous weather like 50 degrees and sunny. Which is unheard of in January but Saturday is suppose to be 20 below zero hehehe. I think I will call it a night and play some games. Hoping there are no shadows hanging over me tonight.