Day 131 There seems to be a change but to what direction.

 


Today   I find myself pleading with God today to not only break the connection between my wife and the pastor of her church but to harden their hearts against each other and build major strife that they would hate talking or sharing or being around each other. Please please oh Lord make this happen soon so that her heart would start to turn back to her marriage if this is Your will.

I am still frustrated with the question yesterday in counseling about if I had made any progress on my abusive anger and hate. Its IS completely going off of what she says and there is nothing totally nothing about the truth. But thats ok because God has been working on me to stop obsessing about my love for her and start working in a life with Him. But that leads me to question what the outcome is for my marriage.

So as an experiment I thought would just type in my feelings into an AI art program and see what it came up with.

I am feeling confused about the direction my life is going and how my marriage has came to separation and living apart. my wife does not seem interested in saving our marriage but in another man and I feel lost in the fact that I want to stay married but live apart.

Picture 


Rather interesting hehehe

So the day kins of ground through. I had many thoughts of finding my dream home and place and getting it real cheap etc etc the good make me happy stuff. Went for my walk and did good it was around 34 degrees which was nice but it was cloudy so felt chilled. Not much out except a bunch of squirrels hehehe got back and played games till call time. My wife seems to have listened to some of the things that the marriage counselor said. I mean yes he was all about this fake anger and abuse I have but thats easy to say haven't had any problems because its not real. But he pointed out to her she is totally passive on everything and she needed to step up to the plate and get to level 2 as fast as she could for communication and so tonight was short but we did talk about her heart posture after she listened to a sermon on YouTube which was way better to talk about the her mother has diarrhea hehehe. After closing down she actually said she was going to write down 2 prayers in her journal which she can revisit and see what God is doing about them. And so maybe she will start to connect with Jesus. I still pray alot and plead that God will put strife between her and the pastor and cause a falling out that will sever all ties because she did have to tell me all about babysitting his grandson today and even though I ignored all of it she kept tossing it in to try and point out she does more for him then she ever has for me. 

The evening has darkened and the cloud blankets have pulled over which will keep the warm in all night they are saying so will be a nice warm night.

Se ya all tomorrow.

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