Day 118 And the chill begins

 

 Not sure why but I pray for guidance and steps and God does not seem to show. I know He use to tell me to send texts without wanting replies but I am tired of loss and lack and now it seems even God is stepping back. I still feel His presence but its a waiting mode type thing like He is here but watching. I just wish I knew were to go or do. I have so many mixed and lost feelings that just want to be dumped at the side of the road and move to a relationship with someone to share life with. But I  am also finding that the paranoia and mistrust could lead to a big lack of sharing in my life from here on. Went for a walk today in the big 16 degrees and blowing wind. Had to get my heavy coat out which was really warm hehehe. Even had to unzip it at times so I would not sweat much and get hypothermia. Got all my pushups in plus some extras. Then got back to the RV and played a few games with my daughter and started in blogging. I sure hope this next week in wound care I find out some good news like the skin is almost all attached and we can start closing the drain hole. Would be so nice to be able to shower and scrub without worrying about bandage. Today I am getting a very strong feeling that I am just being strung along for something but not sure why.  It seems there are tons of indicators going on like the marriage counselor telling me 2 or 3 times per session he promised his wife he would take her back if she cheated on him the other great one is "the worst thing I have ever called my wife is childish" which he points out alot. I get feelings they are wanting some type of reaction from me or waiting for a time to tell me something but with the attention my wife pays to making her pastor happy and the extremes she goes through like babysitting his grandson every day and Wednesday night nursery for him she is to tired to talk to me I feel like there is a big bomb ready to drop and I am standing here with my fingers in my ears hoping the blast won't kill me.  I know God could change things and I pray he would but I also know He needs me to change and that is my biggest quandary right now. When this was starting I heard God through my tears saying work in the field were I put you and wait for the sign I told you about. And now after 5 months my tears of loneliness seem to be fading and wanting God to provide anything new seem to be taking over. It's hard to explain but do I wait for the bomb to hit or do I start moving and hope it's not coming soon. Well the day is over and night has crawled in. The temperature outside is blasting to cold maybe below zero tonight. I hear all the RV furnaces firing up so guess the park owner is getting everyone to propane so his electric bill might go down. I have been thinking of one of those ecoflow wave 2 heat pumps that charge from solar. I could grab 1 panel out of my storage and charge it with that. And it say it will last 8 hours on a charge so that would be good. Would run about 1200 but might be worth the bucks if I need it later plus I am sure the park would be happy if I told them heating and cooling were solar powered and not using any of the parks electric hehehe. Mmm that's a thought.