What is my life worth

  The days just keep coming and yet there is no end in site. I pray for a home and I pray for my dogs. I know that God loves me because He and only He could bless me so much and make animals show God love so well. Yet I am stuck in this sewer pond with no end in site. Please God give me a end. Amen Today was a lazy day since 3 days in a row of travel and doctors. So mostly laid around this morning and kept cool high today of 84 so warm. Went for a walk and got greeted by a nice young buck hehehe  He stood and watched me walk past him hehehe then day dreamed again of finding a home and moving in and I always dream of divorce since there has not been any attempt what so ever to even suggest that I try to move back in with my wife and I do not think there ever will be. She won't ever ask me to help her with yard or anything so I can honestly say there is no going back there ever. I just can't figure out why God would let this keep playing on with the lies and deceiving and secret...

  This morning I am a bit tired because I did not fall asleep till after midnight and woke up at 3:30 am for potty then slept and hour or so but my mind is racing after last nights chat with my wife and the denial she had and the thought that I love you is all it takes to be married yet she tells me all the time she doesn't believe me when I say I love her so wow there seems to be something way wrong here don't you think. I am also fretting from what I will be called and told how bad l am for saying such nasty things to my wife. But she will never text me again pretty sure on that and will never say she loves me again I know that and betting there won't be any more phone calls either.  But spending the day in cody so praying for GOOD changes and things to come since there is no way things could ever get any worse. Would be kind of nice to have someone offer a place to park the rv free and good restrooms and showers for doing land scaping hehehe but I dream on. Got up early ...

  I just don't understand what is the plan. There seems to be hints of my wife saying something truthful then she counters with not saying it or denying things happen at all. The secrets and hate wall seem to be in full swing without any real signs of them falling and satan is dealing all the cards. Man do I need this. Since my separation from my wife last year and being homeless all these months I have been pleading with God to give me a home and flower beds to work in and my puppies to play with and some direction to look for because at the rate my marriage counseling is going, I think divorce is the only option but so far every time I start to check into it God throws the road block to stop me. Every time I start to check into a house God throws a road block. But when I confront my wife about total lack of attention and total passivity in our relationship God gives me abundant words and strength. I had one person tell me that maybe God is letting you exhaust every option so you ...

  Woke this morning with a question someone asked me. "How are you doing" which at the time I said doing ok and talked about the nice day. But this morning I seem to be rethinking that question with an answer more like this.  I feel terrible, it's like I am falling into a dark pit and waiting for the bottom so that I might start clawing my way out yet the bottom never comes and I just keep falling. But I do have each day a time spent in God’s kingdom that God let's me know how much He loves me and it seems to stop the falling through that time. So I think my prayer should be, God the things satan has done like the secret double life which blocks all communicating because of things that must be kept from me and the wall of hate that satan has built against me that will never come down I need to hate satan for these things and not the instruments satan used to accomplish them. Lord help me to ban satan and break satans hold over me and help me to find refuse in a safe p...

  So last night when my wife called me back she started in with the what did you eat for lunch crap so I stopped her and asked what she did this weekend and after asking 3 times in different ways she started in with a list of errands and things she did Saturday so I asked again then what did you do Sunday which was pretty guarded but finally she said went to church while her daughter stayed home with her mother since she has never gone to church. And then she said the counselor had us scheduled for 4pm on Thursday and I told her I could not make it. I would be in cody. So then I asked her about Monday and what she did and she talked a little about staying with her mother. So I asked her about anybody she talked to over the weekend and she said no one ever calls her which is a lie. But I moved along and asked what her plans were for the week and she told me she had PT Tuesday and Thursday at 3:45pm to which I  reminded her that she would not make the 3pm meeting if she was doin...

  So what became of those satan took from Job? Were they already gone with sin or did satan take good people to temp Job. Guess it's read a book of the Bible day hehehehe  The walk was good today saw lots of Jesus's live from everywhere from a kiss by a goat to a peacock yelping at me to the storms rolling in here's a pref picture history  Yep lots of love from God and makes me feel great to receive so much blessings. But then back to the RV hehehehe its still fun as I sit and think how much God loves me that I would rather play games and enjoy instead of dwell on marriage and life so guess thats what I will do hehehe Well the evening came and life sucks again. My wife made no attempt to contact me but yes this is her no contact day because she spends it with her pastor boy. So yeah it kind of eats at me but I am getting so kalased about her that it is more of a relief when I don't have to deal with her then when I do. But then I got a message from Google maps wanting a...

  Maybe I am just seeing the negative in my marriage and wanting it to end. Should I be concerned that my wife does not respect me. Should it not bother me that she only talks to other men and leaves the house to stand in the yard so I can't hear. Should I care that she doesn't talk to me at all about anything to do with other people and that her social media life is totally a secret life from me. Should I worry that she tells other family members to hate me and try to drive me away.  It just seems so hard to be in a world like this and think that is what God wants for me.  Today's devotional was about hopes and this is my hope. This is soooo true and everyday when I go on my walks Jesus is right there loving me the whole walk. And I see it weather it's the dogs that run to the fences with toys and wagging tails just to see me wave hi or the squirrels sitting on fence posts watching do pushups. Or the horses and cows running up the fences for a good head scratch.  Je...

  This morning I feel compelled to send the question to marriage counselor about double life but again still feel hesitant because I know she will never change and admit she denies me her other life. GOD YOUR THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS THE OUT COME OF THIS AND YOU GOD ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HEAL AND FIX THIS. So please God guide me to where you need me. But Father please make it this month I want a summer to be in rest and peace with flowers and grass and trees. Father if a new life divorced from my wife is what will be then please thus week make it happen. If YOU Lord are going to put contention between my wife and all the men in her secret life then do it today. Lord if You are going to bring forth the truth of the death threat then do it today. FATHER I WANT OUT OF THIS HOLE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GOD LET ME MOVE TO A HOME. Amen What would be the perfect outcome for my life. Having the proof of my wife's attempted murder come out forcing her to confess of it not caring if it was a...

  Last night and this morning I have had the thought of my wife's double life on my mind and how to get people to see it. She changes her email, she makes many different social media accounts with new emails and names so I can't see what she is doing. She walks out of the house to talk to people on the phone so I can't hear what is being said. Her whole life is hidden from me and so there is nothing to talk about except everything that involves not knowing her or her other life. And this is really bugging me today.  So I am thinking maybe I should ask this question in the marriage group text so my wife can see it also or if we have marriage counseling today maybe asking the question there but I would bet a million dollars the counselor will cut me off and not let me finish or even ask the question which is why I think the group text would be better. Oooo I know if we have marriage counseling I will try to ask and if I am cut off I will stop send it to the group chat and wal...

  So late last night my wife sends me a text that says sorry I didn't call I feel asleep. In response to my question of if she told her daughter that she went for a walk with me and she answered yes I did. But of course there was nothing about what her daughters reply was or anything else just that she had a bad day dealing with her mother and that she was going to back sleep. So most the night I thought on what my friend said about What if God is just making me exhaust every avenue of hope in our marriage working out so that I won't be drawn back in. So far that really makes sense but I am still praying that God would let me know.  Today is a cool day and chance of rain. Clouds and not much sun so far but maybe it will clear up a bunch. And again God's guides with my daily devotional.  I am pretty sure God is directing my life because of these signs. "So do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the great reward it brings you!" ~ Hebrews 10:35 ...

  There seems nothing of interest between us. There is nothing to talk about except what we ate. She constantly tells me she does not think I love her and she finds every excuse to be to tired uninterested or untrustworthy. I feel she lies to much and about everything. Does not care who she hurts only who gives her money and attention. And I do not see her trying to work on our marriage at all just lies or excuses why she can't.  My friend just made the comment that maybe God is forcing all the chances of my marriage working out so that I will totally lose hope in it and be able to move on. Interestingly my daily devotional today said this “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life.” ~ Proverbs 13:12 NLT I was always taught that frustration is the difference between reality and your expectations. When what you expect does not match your reality, it sets the table for frustration to take a seat in your life. As I grow in Christ, I realize that ...

  The clouds are coming hehehe Well my wife did take the time to look at the picture and comment last night although very short and no involvement what so ever. Pretty sure she heard my prayer and is trying to figure out how to make it sound bad or mean when she tells her story to her pastor boy or marriage counselor so I am gearing down to pray that God will protect me and use this to bring the truth out and contention between my wife and her pastor boy that they may lash out at each other stopping all that is between them from now on. Daily devotional  "The chief cupbearer, however, did not remember Joseph; he forgot him." ~ Genesis 40:23 NIV How easy it is to forget all that's been done for you. The chief cupbearer offended Pharaoh and got thrown into prison, the same prison Joseph had been erroneously placed in. After a while, Joseph interpreted his dreams, telling him of the restoration he would receive from Pharaoh, and asked the cupbearer not to forget him when it ...

  Where the day dreams roam. Today started slow and calm. Played with Bailey a few times on the way to the bathroom. Kept thinking I should still her and take her on my walk with me hehehe. We cooked up our steaks and taters and had a great lunch. Then I headed out on my walk. The forecast was saying rain around 4 or 4:30 so plenty of time. First lap I spent some time putting some goats back in their yard hehehe Then on the second lap came across a baby copperhead snake and killed it. So then I took my shoes off and headed home and sure enough they last 3/4 of a mile was in the rain. Hehehe it was 1 hour early so now I am sitting in RV trying to dry my cloths off. Got my cloths I have on dry for the most part but my coat is still pretty wet and the temperature is dropping so have the small heater going off and on which is working pretty good right now. But hope it don't get real cold or there may be snow on the ground come morning hehehe. Thought I would be nice and send some video...

  I do not I do not I do not "And may I have a letter to Asaph, keeper of the royal park, so he will give me timber to make beams for the gates of the citadel by the temple and for the city wall and for the residence I will occupy?” And because the gracious hand of my God was on me, the king granted my requests." ~ Nehemiah 2:8 NIV Nehemiah was bold. He came before the king and made a big request. And everything was granted to him. Why? Was it by any doing or power of his own? Today's scripture tells us why...because God's hand was on him. Bro. Kevin, is God's hand on you? Are you living upright before him consistently (not perfectly)? Do you honor him in all your doing? Even if you don't enjoy your work right now are you working as unto the Lord? Is he visibly the first in your life? If so, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. God's hand on you is greater than anybody else's hand against you. Walk in boldness and make your request known to God ...

  Is there no end in site?   Then you get a devotional like this. "From the time he put him in charge of his household and of all that he owned, the Lord blessed the household of the Egyptian because of Joseph. The blessing of the Lord was on everything Potiphar had, both in the house and in the field." ~ Genesis 39:5 NIV When God's hand is on you, there is not a place or a person who can stop it. Joseph was sold by his brothers in their attempt to kill him because they despised how their father favored him. Joseph was scared, brokenhearted, abandoned, and carelessly discarded. Yet, he was blessed wherever he went. It was so apparent that the Egyptian captain that purchased him recognized it and put him in charge of everything in his household. The scripture shows us that the blessings of God were on everything in and out of his house because of the favor on Joseph. Bro. Kevin, I pray that same blessing be upon you. That job that may not treat you right is prospering fina...

  Sleep sleep hehe Went to cody today for doctors and voa was a nice cool day and rain off and on. Picked up some pretty pricey steaks but maybe they will taste pricy as well hehehhe.  Met with voa and discussed future plans and marriage counseling then to my daughters doctor for post op and finally home in time for marriage counseling and again my wife canceled so now next week sounds like the counselor won't make it and the following week after that I won't be here since I will be in cody till late.  So looks like the next chance of marriage counseling is like June maybe. I am hoping ok and praying that God is waiting on my daughter to get her disability going and then she wants to get a place of her own because she doesn't want to live with me forever hehehe and that ok but I could see how that would work out much better then I could move somewhere and not have to make her life homeless.  "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this wor...

  But I slept through it hehehe "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV There is nothing good the devil has to offer. Since you can only give out of what you have, all he can ever offer is lies, deceit, malice, and hate. However, due to the sin nature of flesh, sometimes we can become enticed by these offerings. These are the times you must remember..."the devil will always tempt you with less than God's plan for you". No temptation will ever leave you in a better place than if you never gave in to it. This is the very nature of the enemy and temptation: to make something you know you shouldn't have enticing through lies and deceit. If it was good for you, it would be called an opportunity, not temptation. Opportunities come from God to allow you...

  If things are right and your where you are supposed to be doing what if this is right I would hate to be wrong hehehe Confide in other men confess your sin. What if I my sin is hate towards a brother that has wrecked my life. What if my sin is the distrust I have in a wife that continuely lies and builds hate for me among her family and friends. If I tell them the truth they call me crazy and lier. At this time the only one to confess to is God and my VOA friend. Today was cooler and nice for walking. My daughter cooked up a big pot of rice and chicken and zucchini which tasted really delicious. After over eating we took a walk and then I took my long walk. Pretty calm and nothing big jumped up and said look at me hehehe got down to last turn into town and sat down and cooled my feet in the ditch water which is like 38 degrees.  Then headed home. Talked with my wife on the phone and she told me she had her bone density scan today and I asked what will she do with that. She t...

  So today started slow but had a nice group with VA and did some talking.  Had an early lunch and headed out on my walk. Was nice around 85 with lots of sunshine. Did my 6.75 miles and git some pictures of the deer and wrc lilacs. So summer is looking nice sure wish I had a house and yard to play in and plant. But praying God knows when I will get it and how because I am at a total loss now. GOD I do not see any future for me except to die and be with You Lord. I do not feel ready to go and would like to spend more time making zen in my life. Please God give me wisdom and help guide me to green pastures. Amen Daily devotional was another good one "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV There are two things I know about you. One is that God has called you by faith...