What is my life worth

  Am I totally negative about my marriage. Should I look the other way and say oh marriage is not suppose to have love, affection, communication, intimacy, and everyone should not want you around and talk hate towards you. Yes I forgive the things that have been done but only to the point of them not happening again. When I see clearly they are not stopping or even getting worse the I need to stay away and not go into the flames.  Thoughts this morning seem to be forming around hope. Seems it is the anticipation and expectations of knowing things will come. Everyday I get excited about being outside to walk mostly because I anticipate God being there. Which He always is, some times it's with animals and some times it's with waves from people most I don't know then others is just weather and Holy Spirit speaking but God is always there so I have hope in every day. So when the marriage counselor asks me what my hope in our marriage is and I see a wife that has everyone convin...

  Today I do not feel like walking. Today I feel angered over being left in this hell hole and seems nobody gives a damn. Today I am wanting anything to happen that would change something to a positive. I want these things but I do not feel God is ready for me to have them. Why Lord can I nit have company to life my spirits. Why God must everyday be alone and worst then the day before. Why God can I just not go and live in peace. Lord send me an attorney and land and open doors to bust free from this never ending sewer. Amen I so so badly want a new life. I am sick of fighting for love and all I get is blame and false accusations. I am guilty they scream yet all they have is the words of a liar. That has covered the truth and shielded the lies that they will stand strong against me and more and more will fall into this army that satan is building. Eaten at a fast pace. If God knows this and walked the truth with me to the police and else where yet she can visit a police officer at ...

  After yesterday's little exchange of texts today will need all the strength and protection God can give. Father watch over me today and help me to lean fully on Your strength and protection. Lord keep me safe from the on slaughter of words and accusations I know that are sure to follow even though they might not get to me Father keep them and turn them to truth. Place contention between my wife and the pastor that seems to be pushing this agenda and bring truth to the marriage counselor that he will see his biased ways. Father I still do not know the outcome of this test satan is running me through and if there will be the wall of hate and false accusations my wife has built around herself or if it falls and I move to a nee field but I am ready to serve you God and pray the You will teach me and love me as I try my best. Thank You God for all you do in my heart and life. Amen The day was slow from 4:30am till 10am then as it started to heat up the day went faster. I started my wa...

  This morning after some heavy rain around midnight and lightning I awake with thoughts that started before sleep. I can feel my wife is going to church today and play the broken hearted victim telling everyone "I" am divorcing her and leaving her for some other woman and that I am the abusive villain once again putting her down. Father I pray that if satan starts to build the victim wall bigger that You Lord will expose that lies and bring truth to my plea and force confessing and teaching for all that this woman has done with satan against me. Please Father make this the day of exposure and start opening doors for me to move down a path to a home in the country away from everyone. Amen Today I feel the acts of satan ruling in war against me. My wife through acts of narcissistic behavior has always played the victim over the 25 years of marriage and when I started realizing I could thwart this behavior not knowing then what it was I found it came with greater acts of narcis...

  As I am waking up this morning I am hit with the thought that maybe I should pray for my wife with her the next time and pray that God will bring her to her knees. She says she is perfect and everything must be perfect for her that is why she never has liked my gifts or me for that fact. It is also why she has so much to complain about so I guess the prayer would be Father help my wife to fall and confess her pride and perfection and believe in You as a rescue and not a equal. Help her to understand a complainer is only someone that is to good for everyone and everything around them. Bring her down to a workable clay Father that she may enjoy Your love and comfort and provisions and not complain about what satan has her sights set on. Amen The day is over and ask I re-read the prayer I think it's pretty close. It is going on 2 weeks of no contact what so ever and the counselor is totally quite since yesterday's texted to the group that I am thinking divorce.  His reply to be...

  Yeah it won't work and it may seem pointless but I should lavish love to all they say. So I sent a text to my wife this morning asking if she had any goals for meetings or relationship then asked if there was anything I could pray for. So I pretty much doubt if there is any reply of contact and I really pray that there is no call unless it's to meet but I think I am going to push the secrets and passivity as much as I can and if she gets off her ass and puts some effort into saving her marriage then great if not when God says the door is open you can move to a nee field I will have done what I was able to think of doing.  Today I got fed up with the silence and secrets my wife has been keeping for years but fell back to these last few weeks in marriage counseling, so I told them I was thinking divorce is going to be our future because of her lack of attentiveness and abundance of passivity. I pray Gid will guide me and strengthen me as I keep reading Job Chapter 5. My exact ...

  Today is suppose to be marriage counseling yet after a week of nothing from my wife and the counselor I am filled to the brim and overflowing with anticipation of a major attack to me. I feel I will be accused of saying things in the phone call that I did not say or that I lied about everything or on and on the possibilities of attacks is endless and I just dread walking into a snare that satan is either building or gathering troops to attack with. I know the Bible says walk with confidence and victory into the traps because God has already won. Father today be with me all day Father give me the armor to protect and walk into everything that satan has planned for this with bold confidence. GOD let this not just be a walk through the flames but God give me the weapons of truth that I can prove to all what the truth really is and crush any and all lies and deceiving. Lord open up the past lies that built up to this and bring them to the table that I can prove the reality I have liv...