What is my life worth

  It's 1am and I am wide awake with all kinds of conspiracy theories racing through my head and ideas that my wife is faking sick to push me into divorce since that would make me the bad Christian and not her. I keep asking God to guide me and feel the sense to continue waiting for the time being. I sent an inquiry to a realitor for maybe getting my half of the property she is living in now since I paid 12 years of mortgage payments on the place and of divorce then I should be able to count on that money for payment on new home for members. That was Sunday and Monday is when she was sick and couls not talk so I am thinking the mice are planning because the marriage counselor has said or texted nothing since Sunday either. Are they scrambling to get assets hidden or are they moving to plan how they have me right were they want and hoping a push from just one more missed marriage counseling will make me turn sinful and divorce her. Lord help the stress go away. Give me Your comfort a...

  I feel so isolated and walled out today. It seems everyone in my wifes church has a plan or idea of what they think I am and how my marriage should be but no one talks with me period. Don't get me wrong God seems to whisper in my ear alot of what to expect at most every day but it seems what God tells me to say throws a big wrench in the works and it's like hearing mice in the wall scurrying around. The facts as I feel and see them is my wife doesn't have time for me she is always to tired to read scriptures I send her, she needs to have short conversations without any emotions and feeling or relationship words. On the days she is to be around her pastor they are flagged as no contact days. There has never been any initiated contact from her only response even to the point of saying I love you is something she will only say if I say it first. It seems marriage counseling is a search for biblical ways to justify her divorcing me and filled with belittling comments plus not...

  So if the church believes a lie and they make that their truth. Yet I have physically lived a totally different truth which is opposition to the church. And everyone from the church seems intent on finding faults they can claim as me lying so that they can be justified in the final step they wish to take, then is my reality a truth I should follow or a truth I should put aside to live in a false truth of what they desire me to be? The Holy Spirit just pointed out to me that the young man that stopped by to talk about scriptures was honest and eager but when I think back to the statement my wife said in marriage counseling about "you believe them more then her church" and the counselor made note to say "my wife could seek divorce if I am found a non believer or do not attend the same church as her".  This was also brought up again when I mentioned that non believers can point out Goddly facts without knowing what they say. To which I heard the exact same statements...

  We are geared to hear and react but the world wants the reactions to be incoherent and splotchy. Yet God wants our path to be straight and narrow. I am not sure how many people take all the thoughts of what they have heard and line them up to see what they point to but in my wifes case, when I think back to actions and words spoken and the direction they were heading I can see from 2009 a clear direction pointing to to my not being good enough for her in anyway. Mostly in bed, but gifts were not every penny I could scrape together instead were sense able and in budget which a budget was below her high standards. So as I follow thus trail to currently I see the breaking away. The stopping in communications and hints from those she talks to about her being correct in wanting a divorce. Although she has never said the word to me she is very diligence in making sure I hear from others. And I piece these together in seeing a string layed along a path of lies to make me walk away and n...

  Today I am feeling a change coming since I seem to be reminded over and over again that it was about 2009 when my wife started really pointing out how perfect she was and wanted her life to fit her and I was far from that grade. That was the first time she ever vocally made a scene about her food in a restaurant not being perfect and when she started telling her children things I have not said like she told one daughter " my husband said he hates your guts and everything about your life" which stopped any relationship I had with that daughter to date. So I think I am close to an end. I have sent an email to a realitor and askes if they could help me find a home with land and no neighbors hehehe so will see if they find anything to look at and hoping I can get some legal aid cheaply to make a home come real and if that starts to move then I will take it a Gods direction and is keeping me safe. I am pretty sure my wife has HIV and I know she has herpies now so my safest route...

  So here is a thought that was placed in my little brain this morning.  "How important is it for us to know exactly what we are asking God to fight for us?" I means most the psalms seem to point to a specific fight. So when I pray for God to help my fight of my marriage problems I am being told today that I need to drill it down more to what I am fighting. Which is 1 the anger I have because the death threat I turned into the police in 2017 seems to have disappeared from all police records and now in the last few years every argument we had ends with the quite promise "and you will never find the death threat because I have made sure it is completely erased". And now she has everyone believing I made all of it up because I am crazy and they all turn against me because of her lies.  As I am looking back on issue's deciding what my fight is today I am finding that I am placing to much on my feelings and anger and pride and not focusing on what satan is doing to t...

  So today will be marriage counseling after a 3 week of Non because of illness or other but we had 1 session in January 23rd after a 3 week vacation of the counselor so I feel so uncomfortable going into this. On one hand I am praying that God will inflict walls between my wife and her preacher man to stop all exchanges of emotions and care between them even going to the extremes of taking satan completely out and forcing her to confront her lies and hidden secrets and confess. Leading to either a repentance and desire to save what she is trying so hard to destroy or open her desires to completely destroy that which God desires and I walk away today looking for the legal help to severe the situation. I feel there is distancing between my communication with God and my direction but I am pleading with God today for Him to be in full control of my mind, heart and tounge. To accomplish that which He wants for my life. Well by 1pm I am feeling lonely, tired, scared and wanting to quit ...