Day 163 Wouldn't you think there should be some actions

 

I feel so isolated and walled out today. It seems everyone in my wifes church has a plan or idea of what they think I am and how my marriage should be but no one talks with me period. Don't get me wrong God seems to whisper in my ear alot of what to expect at most every day but it seems what God tells me to say throws a big wrench in the works and it's like hearing mice in the wall scurrying around. The facts as I feel and see them is my wife doesn't have time for me she is always to tired to read scriptures I send her, she needs to have short conversations without any emotions and feeling or relationship words. On the days she is to be around her pastor they are flagged as no contact days. There has never been any initiated contact from her only response even to the point of saying I love you is something she will only say if I say it first. It seems marriage counseling is a search for biblical ways to justify her divorcing me and filled with belittling comments plus notations of how I need to completely forgive my wife for everything she has done which points out to me that she has told everyone in the pastor's box she has cheated on me yet still says she has not when asked in front of me. I seems so full of lies and deceit that I really have no defense but to stand behind God and say YOU ARE MY SHIELD. Marriage counseling consists of fact questions of if I have cheated yet on my wife which is no and how are our non communicating phones going,  and then a time we get to ask our counselor to tell us a story about Jesus's life and almost everytime I am excused so that the counselor can have a private conversation with my wife. To which she always seems to ask me some stupid question right afterwards. This last 2 weeks have been sickness after sickness and last week she missed marriage counseling for the 4th straight week because she had to go to the doctor which the counselor knew about and said in a text "that's right I forgot" so she tells me in the group text it was a Medicare wellness visit. Then tells me that night she couldn't go to marriage counseling because she was sick with migraines and diarrhea. This week Monday night she tells me real quick in a squeaky voice she has laryngitis and can't talk and then hangs up.  Seems she got it as soon as she got home from church. I can see God doing things I prayed for but while God works He has His hand on my chest saying wait and be still so you do not get hurt. But that wait and be still and not knowing really makes me ansie and I so badly want to say something to someone but God starts blanking my thoughts and I realize He is working not me. I just wish I knew the outcome so I could plan but I  hear over and over " you want a big justification for your suffering and to save the most of the flock you need to be surgically removed and dissappear so that the evil one can be removed without scars."  

Here's an interesting thought the Holy Spirit just tossed in my head to tell you. 

My sense of my marriage and counseling and people involved is like "sitting in an empty room listening to the mice in the wall as they work and plan to get an out come for them, but to make sure you do not catch them."

Another COLD day with cold north winds blowing and the walk was well chilled. But finished and sat and played games like yahtzee with my daughter started coughing up some bad tasting junk so took some nite quill. Played some games and my wife sent a texted after I requested a call if ahe is not to sick and sure enough she is to sick to talk so just got the text and that was all. I sent her back a good night but I know she won't read that till Thursday or so and I am expecting another missed marriage counseling session this Thursday because of her sicknesses. I can only turn it over to God because I  just cant think of,  is she really sick, is it something God is doing to answer my prayers, so yes it is in Gods hands and I need to stand back like he says and wait for His guidance. 

see ya all tomorrow