What is my life worth

  What do we as men of God do when our integrity is shattered by our wife. I have received death threats from men proclaiming to be my wife's lovers. She denies it I even filed a complaint at the police and she met that night with the police chief and all record of my complaint and even memory of me coming in seems to have been erased. Yet she will still tell me under her breath I will never find that recording or complaint. She has her church totally believing I am crazy and lie about everything she spends all day at the pastor's house while his wife is at work. My life since I am now homeless being driven from my home is COMPLETELY described to the tee in Job chapter 19. I have no integrity and plead for God to rescue me everyday. Then I find myself dreaming of her being caught in her lies and wife other men allowing me to get a divorce and my half of the house and my dogs and move all my stuff out that same day with the help of a moving crew. Which this thought comes a lot k...

  Today I just feel blah. Don't care to think about anything, my hopes seem hidden from me, and I just find a brain sitting on top of a body doing nothing. I look around and feel nothing towards everything. It's like I just want anything to happen so I have an excuse to think and not have to do it myself. Father in this void of null help me. Send someone to interact with or maybe a text or call. Make my day be something and if at all possible Father God make it a day of rescue. In Jesus name amen  Aaaah nothing says nuked world and apocalypse like worldwide hate driven by every stupid fractor of discord you could imagine. America has blue against red now and Russia has greed against other countries i think we have almost hit the garage syndrome. ie you close the door start the car and soon death arrives from to much carbon monoxide and lead. Seems our atmosphere is the closed garage and we baby are right on the verge of death lying us all down but look at us fight and struggle...

  Today I have been trying to rid myself of the thoughts of being justified knowing that if only people could see how wronged my wife has done me they would give me a fair deal. So my mind has been filled with finding a new future but only when my wife slips up and the things she has done are uncovered. I spent most the night last night fighting this train of thought off only to fall back into it minutes later. I realize it is satan letting my wounded pride and integrity rule me and I do not have the strength to fight this so I keep praying God clear my head and fill my thoughts of a rescue YOU WILL send that is clear of bitterness and vengeance. Help me oh Lord to purge my mind of my wife's deeds and think only on You God.  Allow me the freedom to walk in victory that You have made for me. And guide me through these dealings with my wife to keep distance so as to protect my heart and soul amen --- Psalm of the Unburdened Heart   O Lord, my Defender, my Steadfast Fla...

  Today is the new thinking train. If I have (which I have) been consumed by always trying to prove my integrity and that my wife is lying then I am simply playing the losing game that satan is handing me. When I dream of rescue there is always a back thought that creeps in and says "She is caught in the act of cheating, trying to kill me, hating me, any number of things I have witnessed in my years of struggle but I need to block satan. That insert of thinking only brings me down to competition for pity and being a victim just like my wife is playing at which she has already won since everyone believes her. So I need to reshape my thoughts and path to KNOWING GOD SEES AND KNOWS everything and that has happened and God will put before me the things God wants me to have. Therefore think of rescue as getting my house and land and puppies. And moving with ease into it and the divorce will work to equal divide. So stop playing the game and walk forward knowing God will handle them and...

  Today I feel nothing. I long so much to be in a house and have the walls around me. I want my puppies so bad that I cry inside continuely. I want a lovely face to share moments with and someone to tell me they care but I have none of this. My life is a pit with rolling marbles for walls and I can not get out. I do not feel love for my wife only discussed at her lies and deceit. I want to dissappear and be alone to sit on a porch in the sun. I long for companionship the gentle touch of someone that cares. FATHER GOD  please save me. Open the doors today of truth and love. Give me a home where I can live in comfort and peace. Let me know of YOUR healing and love for me Father. Please help me to stand and do not let my heart harden. Keep me in Your arms Father and hold me while I cry.  Amen  Psalm of the Porch and the Pit O LORD, my Shelter,   I stand in the hollow of this day,   my heart a dry streambed,   my soul a field without fences....

  This morning I feel the heart to press an issue. Back in marriage counseling on march 13 the marriage counselor made the comment to my wife whom at that meeting was again complaining of fatigue and not thinking. The counselor told her that she needs to make her marriage first priority over everything. That was all that was said on that topic. Then on April 10th my wife said in counseling that she does not believe in divorce. This was the first time she had said this and the only time she said it in front of me. Since then everytime I meet with the marriage counselor he tells me once or more that my wife keeps saying she does not believe in divorce but she is saying this to him and not me. I now think this is a image protective saying to the counselor and not the marriage. I feel my wife's mental protection system kicked in when she was found to be putting her marriage at the bottom of all priorities and thus not as belief but as keeping image she started stating this to the marri...

  Sometimes I feel like such a turkey.  The days pass and I see or hear nothing. My heart grows colder each day and my desire to disappear builds to higher needs. I am torn between wanting out of this cursed life and wanting love from anywhere to wanting nothing to do with love ever again. I just so much want to have a place with nobody around I could wake up to and sit in the morning air and sip my coffee and watch the antelope graze in the distance. No thoughts of will something or someone happen today causing grief or temptation or calling me something I am not. But not having that stress would be so nice. When I hear cars driving around the campground I instant seek to become invisible because it might be my wife or her family coming to yell or blame or call me names. Or it might be someone shooting at me again. I fear my phone ringing because of the same and do not answer it unless its my daughter. I dream of a day when either my wife really does want marriage or it is ov...

  I am so ready to scream and stand up and yell "I QUIT AND WANT A DIVORCE" why can't anyone see what my wife is doing. Am I just wrong about the mental stress of dealing with the forced hate? To my wife and counselor, I’ve been reflecting deeply on the patterns I've witnessed over time—particularly the tendency to shift blame onto others and to draw attention through pity or division. These are consistent behaviors I've come to recognize, and I no longer see them as isolated moments but as traits rooted in something deeper. When my wife blames her brother or daughter for my exclusion, it feels less about them and more about an ongoing need to direct focus away from personal accountability. Likewise, the injections of hostility—designed to cast herself as victim or center of sympathy—have devastated the foundation of mutual respect. There is one more trait I feel compelled to name: the intense need to protect her image—especially her identity as a righteous, godly...

  A Psalm for Connie's Homegoing I grieve your parting, yet rejoice in the goodness of God.   In your passing, dear Connie, love did not cease—it blossomed.   I see you now, barefoot on heaven’s gentle grass,   The earth no longer bound by time. Around you, Chico darts joyfully, joined by every dog you ever loved—   Their tails like praises wagging, a chorus of companionship restored.   Their eager paws stir heaven’s peace,   Each one a heartbeat you once knew and never forgot. You see Jesus across the meadow—   Oh, how well you know His face!   Those you called family on earth now speak in the language of eternity,   Memories rising like sunlit mist,   And every story is remembered,   Every name cherished anew. But your family has grown—beyond blood and beyond time.   Now you walk among the children of God,   Not one left out, not one forgotten. ...