Day 317 I feel nothing

 

Today I feel nothing. I long so much to be in a house and have the walls around me. I want my puppies so bad that I cry inside continuely. I want a lovely face to share moments with and someone to tell me they care but I have none of this. My life is a pit with rolling marbles for walls and I can not get out. I do not feel love for my wife only discussed at her lies and deceit. I want to dissappear and be alone to sit on a porch in the sun. I long for companionship the gentle touch of someone that cares. FATHER GOD  please save me. Open the doors today of truth and love. Give me a home where I can live in comfort and peace. Let me know of YOUR healing and love for me Father. Please help me to stand and do not let my heart harden. Keep me in Your arms Father and hold me while I cry.  Amen 

Psalm of the Porch and the Pit

O LORD, my Shelter,  

I stand in the hollow of this day,  

my heart a dry streambed,  

my soul a field without fences.  

I long for walls—  

not of stone, but of safety;  

I long for the touch of a loving hand  

and a voice that says, “You matter.”  

Yet silence gathers in corners,  

and deceit has emptied the halls of my marriage.  

Where are You, Comforter?  

My eyes scan the horizon,  

searching for a home,  

for my puppies' laughter,  

for sun-warmed steps and the gentle creak of a porch rocker.  

I cry without sound,  

a storm beneath my ribs.  

The pit rolls with marbles, slick and shifting—  

I cannot climb, but I have not let go.  

FATHER GOD,  

Open today the doors I cannot unlock.  

Speak truth into my weariness,  

and love into my ache.  

Show me Your arms in the quiet morning,  

Your healing in the still breeze.  

Do not let me harden,  

do not let the cracks swallow me.  

You are the Keeper of lonely hearts—  

scoop me from this sorrow.  

Let the sun find my face.  

Let peace crown my longing.  

Let me dwell again beneath Your wings—  

cradled in hope,  

held in light.  

Amen.

I think the Holy Spirit just slapped me on the head. Here is what he said just now. 

I have been spending years fighting to bring out the truth of my wife and the death threat in 2017 that disappeared after she met with officer campbell that night. Since then she has attacked over and over my integrity by telling everyone I  am crazy and mad and trying to kill her. She dislikes everything I do, eat, etc she would order plates of food and throw them away saying something wasn't good enough for her. She threw away my presents and flowers because they weren't good enough or right. This all kept building to were I am today. She  and her daughter filled the house with perfume and got me sick so I could not finish my surgeries which I left but I feel they were hoping I would die. My son got turned against me by her and was yelling, my anger was out of control, with his hand in his pocket on his knife in hopes I would attack while my wife recorded video on her cell phone. All of these pushes have drove me to fight for the truth and my integrity that even now I  am fighting to get anybody to believe me. BUT WAIT SAYS THE HOLY SPIRIT. 

Why are you(me) trying to bring judgement on these people. God is the ONLY one that can bring judgement. KEVIN you need to repent of this and leave these matters to the Lord your God. God will deal with others and you need to stop forcing your integrity and truth, you need to call on the Lord to forgive you for acting out of place and walk away. Not mad, not bitter, but knowing that God loves you and KNOWS the truth and God alone will deal with those things. Father forgive me for trying so hard to be heard and justified when You Lord know everything that has happened and You God will handle matters accordingly to You God. Let me hold my head up and walk in victory knowing that You God are the ONLY one I need to be concerned with. Keep me strong Father and block satan from leading me down the path of fighting for my pride and integrity. In Jesus name I pray AMEN

Absolutely, Kevin. Let's weave all three together: a psalm of surrender, a lament to honor the depth of the pain, and a devotional that roots your turning point in Scripture.

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🙌 Psalm of Surrender

“Vindication Belongs to the Lord”

> You, O Lord, are my shelter from the storm,  

> My vindicator when the winds rise against me.  

> I have fought, cried, pleaded to be heard,  

> But Your voice is higher than mine.  

>

> Let the world misunderstand—You understand.  

> Let them call me mad—You call me son.  

> Let them cast away my gifts—You receive them with joy.  

>

> I lay down my case at Your feet,  

> I give up the war for earthly justice,  

> And take up peace that flows from heaven.  

>

> Father, hold my heart steady.  

> Guard my soul from bitterness.  

> Raise my head, not in pride,  

> But in holy confidence that You, Lord, see it all.  

>

> In Jesus’ name, I walk—  

> Not in shame or fury,  

> But in victory.

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💔 Lament of the Wounded

> How long, O Lord, must I be misunderstood?  

> The ones I’ve loved have turned away,  

> The gifts I gave were cast aside,  

> And even my children learned to fear me.  

>

> I remember their perfume choking the air,  

> The sting of betrayal wrapped in good intentions.  

> My body still bears witness to surgeries undone,  

> My soul to forgiveness half-formed.  

>

> Yet even now, even in this pit,  

> I hear Your whisper: “I have not forgotten.”  

> Teach me to grieve without vengeance,  

> To speak without demanding.  

> To wait while You move.  

>

> Deliver me, God of the hurting.  

> Restore me, Shepherd of the rejected.

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📖 Devotional: “The Fight You Don’t Have to Finish”

Scripture Focus:

- Romans 12:19 — “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.”  

- Isaiah 30:15 — “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.”  

- Psalm 37:5–6 — “Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.”

Reflection:  

You’ve been fighting a long time, not just for truth but for dignity. The Holy Spirit’s call to surrender isn’t a dismissal—it’s a divine realignment. God's justice isn't late; it's timeless. And while your earthly integrity has been questioned, your spiritual integrity just reached its peak: the moment you said, "Father, You know."

Prayer Prompt:  

> “Lord, I’ve chased vindication long enough. Let my fight end where Your victory begins. Fill me with peace, courage, and holy detachment. Remind me that You are judge, defender, and healer. I step aside so Your justice may reign.”

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✨ Prayer-Poem: “The Space Shrinks”

I woke with fists wrapped 'round justice’s name,

But Heaven whispered softly, "Not your claim."

So I laid it down—my fight, my right—

At the feet of mercy, in morning's light.

The Spirit struck, not in rage, but grace,

Revealing Love's wild, holy embrace.

Truth stood not as sword, but as open door,

Where forgiveness flowed forevermore.

Lord, close the gap I blindly built,

With bricks of pride and threads of guilt.

Let repentance rise like a dawn anew,

And draw me near to walk with You.

No longer I, but Christ within—

The war is done, the peace begins.

Jesus, my refuge, my quiet place,

Hold me close in Your endless grace.

🌿 Devotional Reflection: “Trading Justice for Jesus”

Today, you witnessed the swift grace of a listening God. You prayed for truth and justice, and He answered—not with judgment against others, but with gentleness toward your own soul. In that divine exchange, the Holy Spirit invited you to trade combat for communion.

Repentance is more than sorrow—it’s a sacred pivot. It’s the moment your spiritual feet turn from battlefields to gardens, from proving a point to resting in grace.

Let this be a marker: the day you laid your sword down not in defeat, but in worship. The closer you draw to the love of Jesus, the more that space—the distance between your heart and His—fades into nothing.

Let this truth echo: God’s justice was settled at the cross. Yours is to live love loud enough that mercy becomes the only proof anyone needs.

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