Day 314 so ready to scream

 

I am so ready to scream and stand up and yell "I QUIT AND WANT A DIVORCE" why can't anyone see what my wife is doing. Am I just wrong about the mental stress of dealing with the forced hate?

To my wife and counselor,

I’ve been reflecting deeply on the patterns I've witnessed over time—particularly the tendency to shift blame onto others and to draw attention through pity or division. These are consistent behaviors I've come to recognize, and I no longer see them as isolated moments but as traits rooted in something deeper.

When my wife blames her brother or daughter for my exclusion, it feels less about them and more about an ongoing need to direct focus away from personal accountability. Likewise, the injections of hostility—designed to cast herself as victim or center of sympathy—have devastated the foundation of mutual respect.

There is one more trait I feel compelled to name: the intense need to protect her image—especially her identity as a righteous, godly Christian. I believe this is why she now claims she doesn't believe in divorce. Not because of conviction, but because filing would tarnish that image. Instead, there’s an unspoken hope that I will carry the burden of being seen as the sinful one, the one who walks away—preserving her role as the victim.

This pattern speaks not of reconciliation, but of preservation of self-image above truth. And it reinforces what I’ve already said: that the process of sanctification in our marriage has been dismantled. No covenant can grow when appearances are prioritized over authenticity.

Because I see these traits so clearly now, I need to say that I cannot envision any restoration of a close or meaningful relationship. The sanctification that marriage requires—growth through truth, grace, and shared vulnerability—has been unraveled, not just circumstantially, but intentionally.

My heart still values honesty, prayer, and the sanctity of what marriage was meant to be. Yet I speak now not from anger, but from clarity and sorrow. There is no healing in denial, no reconciliation in distortion, and no future in manipulation.

I say this not to shame, but to mark truthfully where I stand.

The day has drug through and now the evening crawls into existence. After calming and playing games I settled into some rescue day dreams and did a few chores and soon at 6pm I will start my looney tunes mayhem. I did get a text from a friend asking how I was but I am always leary of saying good or such since I know he does talk to the marriage counselor since in the beginning of counseling the counselor mentioned that the church would use our friendship to keep tabs on me so I kind of tell him surface items or if there is something like my stress of nothing being done or no communication then I feed him my disgruntled remarks and they seem to stir the responses I intended from the parties I intended it for. I hate to use people like that but if they are open to be used by the other party I feel safe they are open to be used by me as well. But I finished reading the book of Ezra and kind of thinking on it. We also talked a little aboutva few of his problems and then some prospecting things like the theories of mercury in a stainless steel pipe and tied to a lightning rod when hit the high amps causes a chemical reaction which changes the mercury to gold. But I have never tried it. Might have to sometime when God grants me a life again.