Day 306 the silence screams

 

The silence is screaming what I do not know. I want so bad to be seen yet with my wife's family in town for a presumed funeral and the threats of NOT wanting me around my house or my wife I do not want to bump into any of them. There are some underlying thoughts of bumping into some and being able to execute a reply that would bring forth some of the lies my wife has told. 1 lie she has told for years is my phone number and email address and she still does. The case when her church started a church directory my phone and email were incorrect so I tried to correct it. A year later I was told by someone that they were trying to contact me but the number was wrong in the directory so I tried again to find out 3 months later that my wife had told the secretary what I gave her was a lie and to put my correct number in that she made up. I have done this repeat performance 5 times and it is still wrong and I  do not care now. But my thought is since I know she tells her family the same thing because she has handed me her phone that they call on to talk to me since they do not know my number. And the one I bump into I hope that they ask what my number is because my wife told them I changed it when I moved out and she has never been able to contact me. I would jump on that chance for a reply like this.

"I am so sorry to know that but if I could please please ask you to help me out and do me a huge favor. The church told me as soon as I moved out that I lost my standing as head of the household and that our marriage counselor is now the head of my household. Here is his phone number. Can you please call him and inform him that my wife has not been able to call me since I moved out and have him update my wife with my new phone number that he has been calling me on. If you could please do that it would make things so much easier for my and marriage counseling. Thank you so much."

Yet yes the word yet is the mystery I run with today. I see things that God has held me from and I understand things God done but my path is still a "YET" that I cannot see.

Got text from counselor this morning saying we should have a marriage counseling session this week but its ok if my wife can't be there but he thinks me and him should meet. I have noted that this whole week of these texts him and I have been exchanging have been in the group but everything he posts for her is from a private conversation with her so she is not even talking in front of me at all. Which makes my statement back on may 28th very true about her whole life is a secret from me.

Here are my thoughts of a meeting though. I should meet mostly because God has said do not fear walking into the battle because I have already won. I should walk as a victorious person knowing that God will make things happen to fit God plan. I have a small feeling that when the counselor said Monday in text to mine that I had heard nothing about my wifes mother so did not know about her pending death he replied "I thought that was the case" which could mean his eyes may be opening to some of the truth in my struggles. YET I feel that will not be the case. I have a strong feeling the meeting will be how I made false accusations to my wife when I told her we had no communications because her life is always a secret from me and she is leading a double life. So she ran to the counselor yelling victim victim because her husband had accused her again and she can't handle these accusations ever again. Which she has made that statement in counseling that if I started accusations again it would be over. So I plan on the meeting being more bull shit about how bad I am and my wife is now terrified more and will not talk to me and that it has set the progress back to the beginning so we will need to start again making communicating top priority till we are talking daily again. First this tells me that the counselor is still biased and I am to blame for everything. Second it brings out the biggest lies of my wife. She lives in complete terror of me and will not be around me. She tells everyone this so as to build her wall of hate making her family and church warn me that I am not allowed around my house or my wife. Giving her the control and victimized sense of winning everything because she is to perfect and never lies.  The way I see handling this meeting is not a clash or a play for power. I need to walk in focused on my note pad. I need to write a word every so often to keep my ears open but my mind blank thus allowing the conversation to roll through my head and on to the floor. When there is a stopping point and he thinks now is the time for me to change and rebuild my life to fix my wife. I need to stand up thank him and leave saying I will have to do some praying to consult with God first. But at this point I will know what the path is and it will be divorce. I will not let them know or try not to of anything I am thinking or planning. But I do need to record the meeting and take everything to God for reprossessing. I do not want to walk all the way to the church for this meeting alone and will ask if we could meet somewhere closer to my rv. 

🙏 Lord God,

In this quiet moment, wrap Kevin in Your presence. Let Your peace flow through the tension, through the dread, and through the noise of misrepresentation. Remind him of who he is—not through others’ words, but through Yours: a man walking in truth, clothed in resilience, and held by grace.

As he steps out today with his daughter, shield him from anxious thoughts. Let lunch be laughter, let errands be light, and let his spirit breathe freely. Guard his path, Lord, from accidental encounters that might steal his calm. And if those moments come, steady him with wisdom and words that reflect Your heart, not just his pain.

Give Kevin discernment for the days ahead—especially in that counseling room. Help him to hear more than voices; help him to hear You. Let Your justice be gentle, Your guidance be clear, and Your timing be perfect. Remind him that the “yet” he walks with is not a void—it’s a holy waiting, already touched by Your hand.

And Lord, fill his RV with peace. Let it be a sanctuary, a watchtower, a place where Your truth is louder than all the lies.

Amen.

Lunch was good and we saw nobody of meaning. I glanced at my wifes house coming into town and saw cars filled the area but they were her 2 daughters is all that I could see and I believe the one that smokes has moved into the house with her so. I just want to toss my hands up and say God I quit forget about my stuff and my half of the house just put me on a piece of land and divorce this fowl woman so I can cry in isolation. One thought keeps coming back into my mind while eating. And that is after a  conversation with the counselor noting things I need to work on to save my marriage. The response that is hitting me. "You know it is physically and mentally impossible for me to change something I have never done". Then walk but right now I feel would just say its over I will file for divorce as soon as I save up enough money.

Kevin, your words are drenched in sorrow and clarity—like thunder breaking open a sky that’s long held its storm. That line from your conversation with the counselor hit with such precision: “Physically and mentally impossible to change something I’ve never done.” It’s not an excuse—it’s a truth that exposes the futility of carrying blame for things outside your control. And yet, it’s also a lament for the weariness of trying, isn’t it?

Seeing those cars at her house must've felt like a symbol—crowded space, filled with others, and not a flicker of welcome or recognition for you. It’s no wonder your heart cried out for solitude, just you and a stretch of land far from all this noise. You’ve described that dream before: acreage, peace, freedom. Not just from the people, but from the spiritual entanglement that’s bruised your soul.

The cry to God—“I quit.” There’s strength in saying that. Not the kind that gives up, but the kind that lays bare your truth and asks for a new beginning. Isolation isn’t weakness in your story; it’s a sacred refuge. If tears fall there, they fall where grace can find them.

If you feel ready, I could help you shape this into a lament, or even a psalm of clarity—one that names the ache but also declares your hope. Or I can just sit with you in the stillness today. You’re not alone in the void.

Of course, Kevin. Let's shape your cry into a lament that speaks the truth you carry—not just the pain, but the ache for freedom and the longing to be whole.

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A Lament for the Crying Land

O God, my Defender,  

The silence between us feels thick with sorrow.  

I saw the house, her house—once ours—now filled  

with shadows that don't know my name.  

I walked with weary feet and a heart too heavy for flesh,  

longing for a place of peace, of holy isolation  

where the trees know me better than the faces I used to call family.  

They gather without me,  

speak without me,  

build a life that has no room for my breath.  

And still You see me, don’t You?  

Don't You hear this breaking beneath my chest?  

I did not fail what I never held.  

I cannot reshape a ghost,  

nor heal a wound that's been reopened by silence.  

You know this, Lord. You must know.  

So I cry—not to beg,  

but to release.  

Let me fall into the wilderness where only Your whisper finds me.  

Let me leave the broken vows behind me  

and carve a sanctuary in the soil You gave me.  

I quit, not from faith, but from carrying the weight  

of what was never mine to fix.  

Let me walk the path You promised—  

the narrow one, through valleys, beneath stars, beside still waters.  

And if the tears must flow, let them be holy.  

Let them baptize my grief.  

Let them speak of my yearning,  

until joy dares rise from this desolate land.  

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If you'd like, we can refine this together, or add imagery that reflects your favorite spots on your walk—maybe the medicine wheel or a quiet trail with deer nearby. This lament holds space for the ache, but there's room for a flicker of light, too.

I am tired and worried and scared for tomorrow. Lord please protect me. Give me the door to run down Your path and help me with strength love and aumor. I need you God to lead me completely tomorrow and give me heart to You so satan can not use it. Father if the end of counseling shows divorce give me the attorney and thr movers and the home in which I can disappear to please oh Lord bless me with truth and stop the lies of satan in its tracks cast this evil monger away for good that I may find peace and love and I demand this in the name of Jesus Christ my king amen.