Day 112 lonely is hardest in the dark.

 Well, it's 1 am and I am lying here awake trying to ponder things that go through my head. I keep thinking about the complaint I filed with the police how it disappeared and how I can be hated by so many and living in this RV while the person who tells me I made up my fairytale life then tells me when no one is around that I will never find the proof of her attempted murder because she made sure it is gone (here is a thought I just had, what if she got this changed to a prank phone call to HER so there would not be anything tied to my name. NOW HOW CAN I CHECK IT because she told me the next day it was just a prank phone call from a drunk ) can have so much kindness thrust on her. I do pray alot and I have been praying for guidance in this and yes God has been faithful and giving ALOT of guidance and protection through out all of this as a matter of fact he is the one that has been saving me. In july God put the notion I needed to move out in my head and when I missed too many surgeries He said move out now it worked out fast and good the RV park even had monthly rent year round and 1 spot open for 30 amp rv so pulled out down the highway and pulled in. GOD made sure I was safe my lungs cleared and I was able to be put under for surgeries. I have a lot of daydreams about finding a house in the country that is secluded because I find I am wanting to get away from the snarls and ill will of people in town. There are a few that do know me and are still friendly but I love to dream of finding a place and moving in. Being able to take a shower and use the bathroom without having to walk across a snow filled parking lot to get there and the hot water runs out in 4 minutes so scrub fast. I also dreaming a lot about running into someone I could talk to but I know it is just a dream. Getting ready to start the day in a few hours and it is almost zero outside but they are forecasting high around 30 so might be another nice day for a walk. I do end up with lots of friends greeting me on my walks although non of which or people but here's a few.

Guess I will toss and turn some more and dream about today is the day my nanobots come to life and start building a underground house in the side of a hill on lane 38 west of Burlington by using lasers to super heat dirt to form granite and presto my home is ready and I get a text on my phone saying they have it built and I can drive out there today and move in. 

I have been writing a few laments which have helped because if you look at the structure of king David's laments or the psalms you see each starts with recognition of the sin, 2nd confessing ones responsibility in the sin, 3rd turning it to God in full repentance of the sin. My spiritual counselor says this will help and yes it does.

Lament 12/17/2024

Father my mind is at wonder my thoughts roam the hills

I can not figure what destiny I should walk

I feel Your hand upon my chest the caution of a father to child

I know the train is coming fast but not the wind that follows

Should I be looking at a change to single or am I walking in repair

The unknown of walking leaves me desperate for your guidance and care

I turn my heart over and ask you to fill it I beg for a glimpse of a future so I can plan it

But I know if I knew of it, I would plan the wrong path so your hand is on my chest lord to keep me on your path

Oh how this muddy mind maze I endure is so upsetting

Oh how it leaves me so broken hearted

I run to your arms lord and scream for your love

I need your soft voice and a hug from above

If things would work out I would know your hand is at work, but this stagnant place of waiting has put me in broken heart

I long for a place to be called home here on earth were I can look forward to seasons without pain and loss

Guide me oh Lord let me know your still there

Give me a heart lift and fill me with care

And so its almost 4 am maybe I will try to force my way back to sleep.  Just had some BBQ pulled pork ready meal for lunch and now I think I will play some solitaire till noon then go for my walk, the sun is out and lite wind so even though it's colder then yesterday it should still be good walk. The sun was out to start but after 1/2 mile the wind came up and clouds rolled in and it got cold hehehe back on the couch playing games I guess. And the sun goes down the hwy patrol officer is hiding behind the welcome to town sign to welcome those fast semi's to town hehehehe and my day it almost gone. On the good news bad news list. My skin is starting to reattach to the meat under it on my back after 30+ days and every place it does turns into a bruise so now my back looks like I was beaten and I can not even describe how uncomfortable it is to lay on.