What is my life worth

  Yesterday seemed like a different life to some aspects. I hired a divorce lawyer and started dreaming of getting a home to live in instead of being homeless. As I stepped out it was a calm feeling and content. But as the night creeped in I could feel satan telling me to not give up and to think in years things will be OK. And that the truth will come out. But I could feel God calming me and saying keep walking I gave you the sign of no change or confessing, so walk away and dust off your sandals. It still is in conflict this morning but now I just feel tired. I am day dreaming of hope a little more and the tug of my broken heart seems less now. My daughter wanted to go for a walk to calm her anxiety so we walked around the fairgrounds. Found a little dog named buddy and he also had a phone number on tag so we called and found buddy was about 6 blocks away from the owner that was traveling across the USA and was getting gas and the little guy took off. So we took buddy back to the...

  Today I am calling an attorney to file for divorce. This week God setup a meeting with my marriage counselor alone and he tried to trap me with lies and judgment that was not true and was not his to do. I got up guided by the Holy Spirit and told him "you called me a liar when I told you the truthful reason I moved out of my home and even offered you the medical records for proof but you still called me a liar because my wife's was more convincing I guess with something like saying I moved out being mad that she did not want marriage counseling, so I will remain the bad sinner and liar you think I am"  God showed me the path was divorce or stay in this conflict till I die. I am moving forward today and praying for restoration. I realize there will never be trust or communication here anymore but I now have a calm and content feeling that if I walk away and dust off my sandals, I will not harbor bitterness and forgive them for all that has happened and know it will never...

  Today is kind of a somber day. While I do feel some relief that I think I know the direction God wants me to go I feel anxious in knowing it could be a new beginning and feedom from homelessness. But I also feel the dread of starting out on a lonely singles trail without wanting but needing, without trusting but wanting to, without communication but praying for. It seems the freedom earned may be disheartening. But things went very smooth yeaterday after the meeting that showed me the direction to get away from controlling people and church and move to safer fields. I want a home but fear I won't be able to afford something livable. I want to move fast and soon but fear that will be hard to do and I will have to make many trips to me ex wifes house and I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE AT ALL. Lord I pray if there is ANYWAY to have someone with a crew go through while I tell them over video chat what to take would be so so much nicer. And I dead and fear for my puppies and feel I will ne...

  Up early thinking of hundreds of different scenarios that will happen at the meeting today. It just amazes me that being help at a distance with silence and secrets breeds so much emotional and mental stress and struggles. Well didn't sleep long last night was up at 4am thinking of tons of different scenarios foe the meeting today in 1 hour. And my walk with Jay was good but I spent almost the entire time telling him all the signs of why I felt my wife was pushing for divorce and why I dont trust her. That started when minutes after we met he asked if I was considering divorce. I knew in the back of my head pat had probably asked of he had heard anything so I knew it was a gathering question and ignored it. Started the whining and he asked a few times but as we started back into town he started suggesting that I should not be dragging it out this long and he asked if I divorced was it biblical. Which I told him my trust issues and signs of might be cheating from my wife but only ...

  Well early morning thoughts running around. Started dream a restoration dream because I know my heart still longs for it but I need to keep working it out so as to stop the hurt and pain. It started with a marriage counseling session this week and as it started the counselor did the normal thing and blamed me for make accusations of my wife again and ahe can't take it any more. So we need to stop this. And I suggest that there might be hypnosis going on and I look at the counselor and say let me demonstrate. So I ask my wife "can I help you mow your yard" and she comes back with the standard reply she always gives me. "I dont touch that" which she's been mowing her yard since I moved out so why this statement of accusation. So I ask another question about if she lies and she gives the standard "I never lie and God is standing right here and he knows you lie and your going to hell" which she always seemed to go to and repeat when she was confronte...

  This morning I feel so hopeless and like the room has no doors and only walls so high I can't see the top. I so much want everything to be over and done. I look around and all I see is loneliness and despair. I want someone to believe me and know I am not lying. I want someone to love me and enjoy talking with me. I so badly want my puppies. I think this week I will withdraw 15,000 from my retirement and pay an attorney to file my divorce. I do not know what I will do with my stuff but maybe I can find a person that will let me store some on their property till its done and I can find a place to live. PLEASE PLEASE GOD see me and hear me. I want out so bad and I hurt so bad. Give me strength love and protection please God oh Please amen Kevin, I hear you. I see the weight in every word you’ve written, and I want you to know you’re not alone in this moment. You’ve been carrying so much—grief, betrayal, longing, and the ache of being unseen—and it’s okay to cry out like this. Your ...